I think that above all else I feel lost. That dog has been a part of my life basically as long as I can remember, and he's been compassionate more than anything when it came to figuring out my sexuality. Not that he was just a pet with benefits, he was a companion and the only one I've loved in every sense of the word.
Fitting my username, he was my star crossed lover. We were deeply in love despite what the rest of the world had to say, and I think the worst part was that I knew it would have a similar ending to what Shakespeare wrote all those years ago, it just didn't seem real until it actually happened. Maybe I shouldn't say we were in love, it'll be a long while before I'm over him.
I've deleted all of my posts, and I'm pretty sure I deleted my comments as well, but they're elusive little buggers. This just seems like a time to start over. I also came out to my best friend, the first time I've ever done so in person. It wasn't easy, but I think it all worked out fine.
So what's my point? Hell if I know. Like I said, I'm feeling lost. Writing this just seemed like a decent place to go.
I'm sad for you because I know that there is a particular sting to losing a lover and not even being able to tell anyone about it. Loneliness and bitter, bitter isolation threatened to eat me alive for a time.
I was treated like a child who lost a pet. I was told things that people feel they are meant to tell you when an animal dies. I don't know why people feel they have to say something when it's not a human. At least when it's a human sometimes people just say "I'm so sorry, I'm here if you need anything." And leave it at that.
The kinds of things that were hardest to hear:
"He was a good dog, you should remember the good times and let those cheer you up."
"I'm sure you'll see him in heaven someday, he's there now playing and waiting for you."
"You know there are a lot of poor, homeless puppies that need cheering up as much as you!"
Yeah.
I never had any illusions that we were going to live happily ever after, but it took me a long time to stop regretting everything we didn't really get to enjoy together or do enough of. I wish I could say something comforting, but I still feel raw and wounded when I relive his last days and losing him. I think the only thing I could say is that after a while you stop reliving it so much. You really can think more about the good times and smile without falling apart immediately.
There is a lot I want to be able to impart, to make you know you're not alone. There are others out there like myself who have learned about intimacy and love through a non-human partner, friend and lover. And have learned a lot about loss as well.
This too shall pass.
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Exactly, when people ask where I've been or why I've been quiet I don't want to say anything at all. They might act sympathetic and it might be legitimate, but it just seems trivial, because they don't know the half of it.
I've been told the first two things you mentioned. They were from people I'm close to and they meant well, but you know how it is. Being an atheist the second quote is of little comfort, and being human the first is damn near impossible. If somebody does tell me about the homeless puppies I'm calling them out.
Music is important to me, and certain songs jump out when I'm feeling a certain way. Right now I'm feeling Winter and Patience where I used to feel Easy and Gay. But hey, we'll probably stop feeling so down about our respective lovers eventually, it's just one hell of a rocky road as I'm sure you're well aware.
It is rocky. Some thoughts that carried me through the loss was that he never felt sorry for himself. He never worried about what was going to happen and didn't feel the same emotional anguish that we complicated and obsessive humans deal with all the time. Maybe that was a lesson I was supposed to learn. I find I'm still learning things from our time together.
That's part of the attraction to me, that they exist in a timelessness that seems to transcend worry and stress.
People in the real world asked me why I never got another dog. And people on these forums ask me the same question a lot, especially in private, why I never had another canine partner. It's hard for me to impart to people that just because we were close, or just because I find some dogs intimately attractive doesn't mean it's something that I necessarily want or need from just any creature. It was an odd chapter in my life book-ended by tears but full of a lot of good stuff in between.
Don't be afraid of whatever changes are ahead.
If I may ask, how did your friend react when you came out? Do they understand and sympathize or do you think they're freaked out inside? I'm just curious because the only person I've ever told was my husband and strangers on the internet, anonymously. And even then it's not always easy to talk about.
Sigma, what I call my mate on reddit, was the same way in the end, wagging his tail everyday and eager to be around people. Also, well said; I think the concept of a lesson acknowledged but disregarded is quite poetic. Animals do lead simpler lives, that's for sure. Sometimes I envy it, but to me it could be harder to live in simplicity. Maybe it's the writer in me.
Honestly, I doubt I'll have another dog either. Maybe in my distant future, but even that's iffy. I'm attracted to animals sexually, sure, but I think what many people seem to miss is that he's the only one I've been attracted to romantically.
As for telling my friend, I had planned on leaving a good chunk of time for us to discuss it after my pending confession, but then I realized that doing that probably wouldn't go nearly as smoothly as it had in my head. I ended up mentioning it right before he had to go, so there wasn't much time for an immediate reaction. I texted him afterwards, asked him what he thought. He said basically what I wanted to hear, and I don't know that he precisely understood but he was certainly accepting. I think he handled it very well, considering he was probably freaking out on the inside as you suggested. I know I would've been. We've talked since then, not about the same subject granted, but I'd say all is well.
He might also have a chance to tell you, because in addition to telling him about being a bisexual zoophile I'm doing something even more unthinkable; I'm not hiding my username from him. I'm pretty comfortable discussing these things anonymously, and I don't plan on stopping, but now it looks like I'll have to watch my tongue a little more carefully. And speaking of tongues, I should say you're quite well spoken, something I wouldn't have guessed from your username.
I like your taste in music :)
This is a much better way of putting it than I've been trying to convey, so thank you. Probably much the same way as my hubby may turn his head to look at a pretty girl walking past and feel attraction, but really have no desire to act on those attractions or seek out a relationship. (Hopefully.)
That's brave of you with your friend and I'm glad it didn't blow up. I hope that as he digests it that he's open minded enough to not over-think it and maybe look it up a little and see what it means or ask you some questions if it's bothering him. I'd be happy to talk to him and offer my own perspectives if he wanted to join the conversation! I'm immensely curious about the views and attitudes of others towards zoophilia, especially in these kinds of situations.
I too have no problem talking about it anonymously, but I guard my real life behind redundant protections and feel like I can't shake paranoia that someone other than my husband will find out. That's why I have a throw-away username that I ended up not throwing away when people started telling me my stories helped them. I love to write and writing about my story and memories has been extremely therapeutic for me, for my current relationship, (I shared my writing with my husband as well) and helped me put a better perspective on something that I used to have a lot of conflicted feelings about. I hope at some point you'll share some of your stories here too if it's ever comfortable for you to do so.
edit:
I say again, write! as I said, I love to write but never had a lot of inspiration until I started writing about my zoo experiences, then like a stopper being unplugged, all kinds of stories began to flow and suddenly I'm working on real books. Start with what you know and feel strongest about!
My friend is a pretty reasonable guy, I'm sure he'll figure things out if he hasn't already. I told him he could ask me anything he wanted to, he hasn't taken me up on it but it's out there. I'm usually curious too, especially with him because I actually know him personally, but if he doesn't want to discuss it I'd rather not press it.
I'm paranoid as well, it's why I avoid talking about things that could reveal my identity. In an odd sort of way, the more personal the more I'm willing to talk about it. Also, I now realize why your username looked so familiar, I read quite a few of your stories a while back, very well written. I might post some stories of my own, there are plenty to tell, but despite the sexual side to the relationship I think a lot of the stories would actually be typical dog stuff, with the zoophile bits sprinkled in. In this last week I haven't been feeling up to it, but I am already in the habit of writing. Habit as in starting to write and then getting progressively more distracted.
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It isn't easy, that's for sure. I don't know that I'm getting better with any great haste, but for now I'm maintaining, so that's something. As far as the fresh start goes I can't complain, many of my opinions have changed since I created the account and this time around I'm trying to be less of a sarcastic prick. Time and contemplation, that's my plan for getting past all of this.
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Sorry about your loss =(
I'm sorry, Romeo.
There isn't very much I can say beyond giving you my deepest and most heartfelt condolences. While it may not be much, I think, and like to hope, that those given by all of us here gives you some sense of support and guidance through the darkest days.
nuzzles
Edit: May Clare Torry guide you.
Singing about death without using any lyrics; she did a great job, especially considering it was only a handful of improvised takes with incredibly vague directions. The support's been nice, and I think having all of you here says something.
Romeo my condolences i wouldn't understand as in non zoo but i feel alot of respect for you to tell your friend and im truly sorry. It isn't right that the rest of the world would think its wrong. Love is love and that is all. But im here to support you like alot of people have done.
I'm glad you're supportive even though it doesn't apply to you, I don't think nearly enough people are capable of that. And I agree, rainbows are fanfuckingtastic.
IKR like i wish people would understand that people will love who ever the fuck they want doesnt apply to the, I
I mean im gay (if you didnt guess cause rainbows) i get quite alot of shit for it but i dont really care about it anymore people should accept the fact that love is a great thing no matter who you love