I've tried posting this in other reddits (like r/sex) because it's as much a relationship/marriage issue as anything to do with zoophilia, but my posts keep getting removed. Hopefully I've found a helpful home here.
Some background: I'm 24 years old and got married earlier this year. I've known I'm zoosexual since adolescence (predominantly attracted to male dogs) but have struggled with accepting it. I very much wanted to believe I could "get over it" if I found the right guy. I met my husband-to-be after graduating from college. The sexual attraction has never been where it needed to be on my part, but I convinced myself it didn't matter if I truly loved him. We have sex but I have to fake it and to really get into it, I have to think about dogs.
Still, until now, I've never been able to bring myself to doing the real thing. Too many fears and too much guilt. When I'm alone, I do read bestiality-themes stories and sometimes look at girl/dog porn. Afterward I get overcome with shame and delete everything, but the next day all the thoughts come back and I can't resist starting up all over again.
My husband says he is okay with my interest in bestiality, but I'm pretty sure he thinks it's just a fetish. He doesn't know how deep it goes or that I am not sexually attracted to him. At times he's said it would be okay if I tried some stuff and he would like to watch. He doesn't know that his or anyone else's presence would be a huge turn-off for me. I wouldn't want him anywhere near.
Last weekend, under very specific circumstances, I found myself alone with a male English mastiff (the sort of dog I am most attracted to). My husband was visiting his parents out of state and I had the house to myself. Out of the blue, I got the opportunity to watch the mastiff for his owners. I jumped on the chance, not really thinking clearly. Without going into details, we had sex together. A lot of sex. It was easily the best sex of my life. I have never felt the things I felt. All my previous sexual experiences have been painfully empty and hollow in comparison.
What really scares me is that I know deep down inside that it really wasn't just sex. I struggle with whether "love" is the right word, but I have never felt anything so intense as I do for this dog--never so connected to another living thing or so madly desperate for anything.
When it comes down to it, I guess I do think I am in love with him, even if that sounds ridiculous. I have not been able to stop thinking about him and replaying our time together. I keep asking myself: would I throw away everything else in my life if I could repeat that weekend with him, over and over again forever? I'm terrified that the answer from my gut is always yes.
I know I cheated on my husband, but I wish it were so simple. I've changed and the way I view my feelings toward him have changed. He used to fill my heart, if not my desire. Now that's not even true. I love him, but I also love the mastiff, and I can't say the latter is any less. It might even be more.
Not interested in being "fixed." Just trying to work out how to move forward.
Thanks.
Woof, that is tough. I've been married for two decades and my advice to you is threefold. First, always be completely honest and open with your partner. Either they accept it and move on, or not and you guys split up. Either is acceptable and healthy if not fun. It sounds like you are pretty sure of him, if not yourself. Now, if you get your needs fulfilled and he gets his fulfilled a marriage can be a partnership. Don't get caught up in the burning passion of love to neglect the strong stable slow simmer of love. Second, it does sound like you are zoosexual through and through. This isn't a bad thing. It is not something to feel guilty for or of. You need to come to terms with the morals and guilty feelings of it. Can I recommend you head over to the knotty.me forum and read what folks have posted there regarding guilt and other subjects? This will tear you and your marriage apart no matter what else you do, physically, in your life. The guilt is so insidious, it is so pervasive when you exist in this N.American society(I assume) that it will kill you slowly. Take a good hard look at why you delete your porn then come back to it. Afraid of your feelings? Getting caught? What it means if you are true to your nature? Do not follow the path of least resistance here, fight for what you need, and accept that it makes you different. Finally, some of the stuff you've said suggest to me that your feelings are causing you problems with your relationships. That is the textbook definition of zoophilia in the medical literature. You might need professional help to deal with this and if you have access to a good professional clinical psychologist they will help you deal with your feelings. Don't trust councillors, or other lower level medical folks, they often do not have the training to separate their morals from your problems, are often under trained, and have no support resources to help you with. If you were here I'd give you a great big platonic hug and tell you welcome to a wonderful life. It can be once you get things settled, btw. Good luck.
I haven't got a lot to add to what /u/yearningmice said, since he pretty much nailed it, but one thing I would add is that you need to be level-headed and calm about things. Your first sexual experience with a dog is no small thing, especially after many years of thinking about it, so the emotional impact it's going to have will be big. It's important that you don't get swept away by the moment and the newness of it all. Think of it like the first week of a traditional relationship, where you're all goofy for each other and completely caught up in the emotions of being in love. That feeling doesn't last forever, and decisions you make while in that state of mind are often impulsive and potentially poorly-judged. My advice would be to take a few deep breaths, let what you've done sink in, get your head straight with the reality of the situation, then act. The initial almost obsessive infatuation that it's common to feel after such a momentous experience will diminish with time, and once it does, you'll be in a much better position to make the best decision. People often do silly things when high on love :P
All that being said, I wish you the very best and hope that things turn out well for you. Know that you're not alone and that there's a whole community of like-minded zoophiles here to support you if you need it.
Excellent point that I did not stress enough with my burning passion metaphor... Do not make any decisions today, but it is fine to get help understanding your feelings.
Another thought: While you might feel it is cheating your hubby may never think of it that way. That cheating feeling is one reason why I decided to have an open poly marriage with my human partner because I feel that part of me is equivalent to any other relationship and I knew I could never forgo equine companionship. I've learned I probably could have forgone long term human companionships but really I've the best of both worlds now.
Indeed, the husband said he's open to the idea and would even like to watch, so hell, I would say get a dog. You have have a partnership with your husband and still enjoy the companionship of a canine.
that might be a good idea.. though she also said she's uncomfortable with the idea of anyone watching, which i certainly can understand. could end up with a frustrating situation for the husband if he honestly does want to be involved somehow but she's not comfortable with it OR he may think he'd be ok with it, but it would be an entirely different situation if it were actually going on.
Well, all I'm saying is, she could get a dog and proceed and not tell him. He did say he'd like to watch, and someone could argue this is cheating, but he already gave her the go-ahead, so I would say it's not. It's like having an open relationship: you have an understanding that you can find other people and not tell your partner.
Hi - thought I might add my two cents worth.. I couldnt agree more with the sound advice already given by the other contributors, other than to emphasize the importance of seeking professional help if these feelings become all-pervasive. NOT a councellor (not that they don't try their best, just they are so woefully underskilled to deal with anything more than the odd marital tiff) but a fully-fledged, accredited specialist. I did, and with their invaluable help, have reached a place in my heart and soul where I am at peace with who/what I am. End of sermon, soapbox neatly stored.
This is, in my honest opinion, one of the most difficult things about being a "zoo." I feel for you and hope things turn out for the best for you, your husband, and your partner.
I stumbled into this subreddit accidentally so I don't know the ettiquite, but this is fascinating! If you don't mind, what made the sex so good? Is it something your husband could replicate?
By the way, is this legal? I would have thought it wasn't. Is that something that zoophiles have to deal with?
I guess one question you have to figure out is why did you marry your husband? I am guessing it was not for sex, so you must love him in other ways?
In that case, since he is interested in seeing you with a dog, why not proceed very slowly together and see if it is something over which you can bond?
If in fact you do value your husband's love and friendship, then perhaps his continuing admiration and approval for you as you reveal your sexuality to him will help you to accept and enjoy your sexuality.
That's so fucking hot.
Sounds like you kinda... don't like your husband. That should be addressed. If you're married to a guy, you should at least be able to enjoy sex even a little bit. You might need to experiment with other men to find one that actually works out in that department.
Buy a dog, fuck it. Fuck it again. Eventually, you're going to realize that the passion you're feeling isn't actual love. It's lust. And it doesn't always last.
Did you have sex with the dog only or the owners as well??? If it was dog then i really feel like then it wasn't Cheating on your husband as its not a relationship with another human being. If you husband is fine with your zoophilia ways then you might as well tell him.
As your husband is fine with it, you should get your own dog and have him as your regular lover. Hopefully your husband will like to watch if he's around and a good time will be had by all. You'll be satisfied with regular sex and will be able to satisfy your husband properly too. If you have to think about dogs to get off while doing it with him then so be it, but I think you'll find that regular dog sex for real will stop you obsessing about it so much. Remember a good sex life takes up 5% of your time and a bad sex life takes up 95%. The dog won't be a rival to your husband, but a complement. You'll be fine. Lots of girls have sex with their dog as well as their partner and it all works out fine. Just because you love the dog doesn't mean you can't love your husband. These are different things and you need both to make you happy. If you're happy, your husband will be happy too. If you're miserable or lonely or frustrated then he can't do anything about it himself, so it's better for you both if you get the dog.