I'm looking for some insight, I hope your community will give me some reassurance.
My backstory:
I'll keep it short (ha.). I'm currently going through a divorce with my husband of 10 years. We have 4 children ages 10-3 yrs. Their father treated me very poorly. He never respected me as an equal, he viewed me as a dependent and a roadblock to his desires, and treated me like a hole. He has been extremely dishonest in our relationship, with finances and monogamy. I never knew another way because I was abused by my father and the boyfriend before my husband, so I didn't see a way out of our relationship until I was finally able to catch him with hard proof of an affair. Do I feel mad about how he treated me? Yes. But that's not why I'm here.
Like any mother, I love my children more than life itself. I have watched him be very detached from his children and mistreat them verbally and occasionally physically their entire lives. It is the nature of his job to be gone for several months of the year, during these times away, he has rarely, if ever, inquired about their little lives. He is sporadically affectionate, and it looks forced. He will walk away from parenting if a baby gets too loud, he will scream with rage if a child gets upset. I have spent 10 years watching him, and I believe he, like our oldest daughter, is autistic. This is not something that isn't well understood, but he refuses any sort of evaluation or therapy and refuses to be accountable for his actions or self reflect and adjust his behavior. He has violent tendencies, places a lot of importance on firearms (it's an unhealthy obsession, he has an actual arsenal of weapons that he hid from me for years. I'm not looking to start a gun control debate, everything in moderation...this is not the case) He lacks empathy and is the most selfish person I have ever met, and he admits it.
I already think he is a negative influence in our child's lives, but until this point, I have always been there to monitor the situation. Now, our custody agreement goes into effect and I have to pass my babies off to their father on the weekends he is on land.
I have recently stumbled upon hard proof that my ex is into beastiality and has acted on these urges with dogs during our marriage. I am extremely vanilla, so you can imagine my first reaction. The people closest to me, who know him (including his own mother), believe he is a poor father figure without adding in zoophilia (which you have to admit, is not widely understood or accepted), so I'm concerned that all these aforementioned "symptoms" add up to an even bigger problem. I have done some reading that zoophilia can be a symptom of underlying personality disorders and I've also read that it's a "gateway crime" to harmful sex acts. I'm sure your community disagrees. My first instinct is to try to pull what little custodial time he has away from him. So I beg of you, help me understand and be reassured that my children are safe when alone with him so I can sleep at night.
Thank You.
Firstly, I agree with his mother. He seems a bad father and a bad person, unfit for parenthood in the first instance, even without taking into account his sexual antics.
I'm going to be honest. There are many reasons that someone might partake in bestiality. It is only an action, and motivations vary just as they do for any other action. We here, are zoophiles, so we find animals romantically and sexually attractive by definition. If we have sex with an animal, it's because we love them, think they're hot, want to bring them pleasure and the like. As such it is similar to the reasons any two humans would have sex. If you wish to discuss the morality of the topic, feel free to PM me, but for brevity's sake I'll just say here that adult animals are sexual beings and are capable of consent. We respect their wishes.
Other reasons someone may have sex with animals (without being a zoophile) could be due to curiosity, fetishism, desperation, loneliness, wish to assert power or control, emotional trauma, sadism or the view of it as something depraved or "nasty", among others. Each of these reasons carries with it a world view, and some of those world views are more threatening to your children than others. If he simply finds the concept of being nailed by an animal hot, and would not rape or harm one, I would assert your children are fine with him just as they would be if he were a zoophile. If he would rape an animal, especially if intentionally, I would worry for their safety. The distinction I am trying to draw is between the wish to have sex with an animal as a being of their own, and the wish to assert control over something. I don't know which camp your ex falls into, and so it is difficult for me to make judgements on the situation.
I am sorry for the difficulty you've had in past relationships, and I'm sorry things can't be better for you. You are clearly a kind, thoughtful person (of whom the world needs more), and it's unfair that people such as yourself deal with the brunt of life's worst people.
i'm sorry to hear about your situation..
i worry from what you said that he may be abusive to the animals as well.
i don't know what to say other than i hope you can find a way to get full custody..
I already thought Komet made an awful lot of assumptions in your legal advice thread that I wouldn't say he had enough information to base them on.
Anyway, if you read studies, always look out for who was studied. For example people like to cite this study to show a "link" between sex with animals and violence against people. What they don't present is the limitation which I cite from the study itself:
I believe you can find such caveats in most respectable studies and all it will tell you is that there is a very limited understanding of zoophilia in general in the scientific community so far.
The facts are: There are sexual animal abusers. They may be violent. They may also abuse children.
The flip side is: There are many zoophiles who have no intention of ever harming or hurting or forcing an animal to have sex and if they have a reasonable suspicion that they would do such a thing to an animal they would remain abstinent for the animal's sake. Whether that's actually true in practice is another discussion, but I do not see how such a person would be a danger to children.
In Hani Miletski's book "Understanding bestiality and zoophilia" she found even one abuser (among 92 others she didn't classify that way) who (self-) reported to have a loving relationship with his own dogs, but would abuse, torture and even kill other dogs. He later reported he got professional help for his abusive behavior and stopped with it, but it's still very puzzling to think about.
The dilemma is that we can't really help you here, since we don't know your husband. He may be harmless to both animals and the children, he might be a danger to animals and the children, he might be a harmless to animals, but abuse the children. After reading what you wrote, I believe he would not do anything to the children, but really, how should I know, that's just an impression and
could really mean anything...
I can't say I really get it. He is detached from the children, doesn't seem to like being affectionate towards them and mistreats them, yet he wants partial custody or whatever it's called?
I have no idea about the legal system and that could just as well be bad advise, but I would want to talk to him whether he could participate in some determination whether he is "fit" to get partial custody. I don't mean something official involving a court, but maybe some private session with a psychologist (as someone who is an actual expert instead of random strangers on the internet) or something?
His custody is very limited. He might have them for 12 weekends spread over the year. He has enough sense to know that it is his obligation to spend time with his children...but that's how he views it-as an obligation. He plunks them in front of electronics and he'll disappear. When he does interact with them, it will often end with him berating his older daughters. There are times when he's in a good mood. I can't say he's an asshole all the time, but there's no predicting his mood. They're always relieved when he goes back to work, I think that says it all.
When I found out about his sexual preferences, I didn't know what to do, outside of consult almighty Reddit. I'm sure I came off as accusatory. When I got such nasty and negative feedback, I figured it was more prevalent than I originally assumed and tried to read more on the subject.
That's why I thought to ask people in the community. There's something I'm missing, I wanted to find out. I worry about my children because of his past behavior, I feared adding another layer onto this mess of a divorce, it's a lot to handle. Divorce sucks on every level. And he claims he can't go to therapy because he's on a ship for most of the year, I've asked him many times.
if he's in the navy, are there not military counselors/psychiatrists?
I'm rather skeptical of how much one might help him, even if he could get one...
quite true, sadly. my point, though was simply to say what a poor excuse (if what i asked is true .. i'm still not sure) "i can't go to therapy" is.
Is he into sex with female dogs, male dogs having sex with him, or women having sex with male dogs?
I don't think your children are safe being with a guy like you have described. He seems rather anti-social. Autism is not the same as anti-social- a lot of people seem to think that autistics are the same as anti-social but they're not the same. Anti-social is when you do not care about the feelings of others and autism is when one may seem uncaring but the reason why they seem that way is because autistics are preoccupied with their own inner perceptual world.. some autistics never engage with the outside world whereas others do eventually come out but socializing is not "naturally" understood by these individuals. However that doesn't mean that people with autism do not care about others... They just have a difficult time understanding how to socialize or need intensive practice. There is a difference.
Bestiality has not been extensively studied and it is not well understood at all. So it wouldn't be right to make any assumptions before the topic has been thoroughly researched. For example, I would identify as a zoophile but I care very much about the well-being of all living things (human beings included). I care a lot about morality. My passion is doing the right thing in all situations and leaving the world in a better position than it was before I came here. At the same time it is not unusual for me to be VERY shy and a bit of an independent loner-type. But I care deeply about the well-being of all of life. Is everyone who is into bestiality like me? No. We are all individuals and like any sexuality I believe it can appeal to people from all walks of life- some more honorable than others... so please do not fall into the temptation to stereotype us. :)
Like Tundrovyy-Volk has said there can be many different reasons and motivations as to why human beings take part in different actions and have different interests.
I think that your ex's interest in bestiality is rather irrelevant to the question of whether your children are safe being with him. I would be wary of anyone who is violent and easily angered. And if your gut is telling you that something or someone isn't safe then it/he is likely not safe! Try to protect yourself and your family.
....But I can understand your "fears" surrounding bestiality since it IS currently (and hopefully won't be forever) a very mysterious and rare form of sexuality and is very much taboo.
Bad father. That's reason enough not to have him around the children. Zoophilia however doesn't transfer into being an extra risk for children.
Everything else aside, I would say there is probably no link between bestiality and sex/violence/other crimes. It would be the equivalent of saying homosexuality is in my opinion. I have not done significant research on this, but there is not much research available in the first place and that that exists is mostly extremely bias.
A very powerful tool is incentivising scientist in directing research. They are presumably unbiased, and if they research pedophiles, then we can see it's not impossible.
Wow. I'll jump to your last paragraph and round up all the other writing in: Yes, if that is true that is one terrible, terrible person.
Also, I am not going to do the thing I would be inclined to do: You take your latest proof and go to the appropriate authorities in order to make sure he gets zero custodial time. The fact that he has sex with animals [uhm... 'unfortunately'] should be so toxic that you could basically demand he can't be in the same state as you and your children if you do it right in front of the judge.
A few things: The correct writing of the term is "bestiality", I hope that aids you in your research to lawyer-up. Also, don't use the term 'zoophilia'. Always use bestiality. Because zoophilia is the somewhat more scientific term for simply loving an animal. Bestiality is clear cut animal-sex. And don't confuse 'abuse of animals' with having sex with animals now (just writing on a suspicion here). Abusing animals (as in torturing them) beyond a very young age (when they don't have the concept that this is a living thing too) is surely a sign that someone's character is inclined to leave the norms and potentially do brutal things. But don't throw all "abuse of animals" things on the sex thing now in front of the court, because the opposing side will point this different meaning out in their favour and try to dismiss all of your research in one go then.
Sorry you met such a bad person. Even if he really were a zoophile, that's no excuse for such a long string of bad behaviour towards others. It's like: Be nice to the disabled, but even a disabled person can be a total asshole, right? So as an animal-lover myself: That guy is a total asshole (yes, all together those are a lot of signs), go make his parenting rights go up in smoke with it, and remove yourself as far as possible from him in any way.
On the other hand: Please don't think we are all that way. Some of us are the sweetest persons - I swear. A friend of mine is so nice to everyone, he can hardly drive a car because sometimes other people have to yield to him and he is awkward about pushing that inconvenience on them. He also spends half his money to pamper his mare...
Beast porn or not, I think he needs to go into therapy, preferably group therapy with the entire family.