Right then. So here's my story. I've been really hung up on my past actions, feeling shameful and disgusted with myself. My mother had me as a teen, and my father wasn't around for the first several years of my life. (I'm a female). Her parents were Evangelical, and I lived with my mother, my grandparents, and uncle. Sexuality was never discussed. To them, those are your private parts. Sex can wait until marriage, but that came on later in life. Well, young Me found out I liked the feeling I got when I touched those private parts. My mother, being young, never discussed things with me that should have been discussed, and she was always treated bad by her companions, had no faith in men what so ever. I personally think she was slightly emotionally unavailable to me as a child, and still is. I have a shitty step dad, but I wont get into that. When I was in about third grade I got my first dog. Female, Half beagle, half lab. I would play with my dog in the basement, while my mom was upstairs tending to her babies and talking with step father. I eventually found she liked belly rubs. She would take her paws and wrap them around my arm, and try to force my hand lower. And eventually I touched her. If it felt good to me, must feel good to her. She would hump my hand. That was the begining. We moved eventually, and things continued. I eventually got on top of her, and we would hump each other. I discovered what an orgasm was with her. Some times I would command her to come, and sit, and roll over. So I guess you could say I was forceful on occasion. I often fantasized about male dogs, along with human males. I wanted to explore. I didn't even know how to distinguish what I was feeling back then, all I knew was that it felt good and I wanted to do it often. Unfortunately she was kinda my sex toy. Eventually she died and I learned how to masturbate on my own, thank god. Doesn't mean my attraction towards animals was depleted. My first roomates out of HS had two male cats, who would come in my room and cuddle. I noticed them kneading, and then they would get and erection, which I helped them with it. I was feeling extremely lost at this point in my life, freshly out of highschool, didn't know how to interact with people or how to treat my friends. Moved in with some extremely wonderful people. They have a male dog. Super friendly and cuddly. Showed me lot's of love, which I had never experienced with a male. At this point in my life I was doing a lot of drugs, smoking weed daily, lots of Molly and psychedelics. Still very confused. Well I got buddy buddy with their dog. Too buddy buddy if you catch my drift. It only happened a few times. Then I stopped, out of respect(and fear of) My roomates at the time. I also felt bad that the dog had become to attatched. His attatchment to me was obvious, he would sit at my door when I stopped letting him come in. and just stare at me. Like you did this to me. This is probably when I reached my lowest low, continued doing drugs, hated myself, thought I was disgusting, not worthy of anyone's love. I suppressed those feelings of attraction to dogs. At this point i n time I had had sex with about 10 guys. Never had an orgasm with any of them. no problem with the animals though. After I suppressed those feelings of attraction towards dogs, I had my first orgasm with a human male, within the month. Not a coincidence. I guess you could call it a mental block I over came. I've had plenty of orgasms since then as well. I no longer live with the people with the dog. I'm very paranoid, probably from the drugs, but I'm 90% positive they are aware of the situation, even though we never spoke about it. Somehow they just know. They found out my deepest darkest secret. And I'm so ashamed. I'm not sure why I did what I did. Maybe from a lack of human love and support? I always thought I was a sociopath, incapable of love, I didn't know what it was. But ever since I stopped myself from wanting those things, I see love everywhere. My old roomates accepted me, flaws and all. They showed me lots of love too. And now I want to love everyone, but i feel like I'm not good enough for anyone, because of what I've done, and that I'm filthy, and worthless. My friends see a lot in me, but I can't. I get down easily, because of what I did. Sex in general was a bad thing according to my mother and grandparents, But I went as far as to do the things I've done, so i can't help but to feel awful about it. I try to stay as positive as I can. Life will get better. But it's hard keeping a secret like that. It affects me a lot, more than my friends will ever know. I'm trying to overcome it. I guess thats why I'm coming to the internet. Give me your opinions..Pm me if you have advice, or any questions? Do you have a similar story? Lets hear it.
/r/zoophilia archive
Male, 31yo, bisexual, zoophile (large female canines), computer science student.
I hate society sometimes. That's probably one of my reasons for my love of animals. Sorry for parents being assholes.
Why not stay here, hang out for a bit. Sometimes, we seep into the furry fandom (they don't want to admit it, but it can be fun). I'm a lover of female canines. They make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
You just have to live your own life. What do you want in it? Who do you want in it?
Maybe not for much longer. Not saying it will be perfect, but there are people out there that want to express themselves.
Harry Browne on defining your own ethics.
Sent you a PM and would just like to say G'day and Welcome.
My story is quite different as I never really felt that I didn't have some connection to humans. Hopefully you can find someone to discuss who has more direct experience with what you are feeling. Good luck for sure!
Shit happens... Just try to look forward.
I PM'ed you as well. Having someone to talk to has proven to be a massive help for me, so I figured I'd give you the option.
it may be more difficult to discuss your situation out in the open, but you're welcome to. guilt is a powerful thing... i hope you keep open to the possibility of sharing your love with a non-human. there really is nothing wrong with it as long as it's consentual. but of course it's all what makes you happy. if you find you're happier in a relationship with a human, that's ok, too. :) (i'm rooting for zoophilia.. i admit it ;) )
I don't feel qualified to answer, but I'll try anyway.
I would be disturbed too if I had memories of treating a dog like sex toy. But I think you can and should forgive yourself because you were a kid in a repressive environment and I bet you weren't provided any proper sex education either.
Recently I read this thread about compassion in /r/vegan: https://np.reddit.com/r/vegan/comments/318sun/compassion/ and while it is maybe a bit off topic, I think it shows what I want to say: It's the task of the adults in the lives of children to show and teach empathy and compassion. I'm not even saying they should have done something to prevent you to have sexual contact with the dog, I'm just saying they should have taught concepts of empathy and compassion that would have made you put her wishes before your sexual gratification, because, let's face it, children don't really know what they're doing without directions like those.
To me that sounds like the problem is really that you view sexual contacts with animals as "filthy" or "degrading". If you think about it: Is it really? I'm not really sure where it comes from. If you masturbate with a dildo, do you feel worthless for it? If you have a fuckbuddy who you have no emotional attachment to but like to fuck, do you feel worthless because of it? Sure, some groups in society will tell you that, but I think that people begin to realize that there really isn't a rational basis for that. And if you like a dog and the dog likes you and you have some fun 20 minutes with the dog, why is this so different? I'm coming up blank when trying to think of the actual reason. The closest may be coming from the religious side, the belief that humans are somehow "higher" than all the other animals and we mustn't get "down on their level" like having sex with them would do or something like that. And I don't really get it. There are people getting published claiming such things, but I think an honest reading reveals that there's not much more than a belief without much of a basis:
http://www.weeklystandard.com/Content/Public/Articles/000/000/005/985pgwjh.asp?page=1
http://www.weeklystandard.com/Content/Public/Articles/000/000/005/985pgwjh.asp?page=2
Maybe it helps you reading the story of ThrowwwayGurl, how she had a sexual relationship with a dog when growing up and how she is now happily married with a man who accepts her past: https://np.reddit.com/r/animalromance/comments/1scgon/more_stories_about_my_shadow_and_i_and_growing_up/ceb9075
(The main story of her growing up is quite NSFW, so be aware of that if you want to read it. It's more happier than yours).
And lastly: If you suffer from feeling such negatively about yourself, then maybe it would be a good idea to go to a psychologist/therapist. Myself I never went to one, but I think that it's perfectly acceptable to go to one even with "minor" problems like feeling awful about yourself like you do. It's basically their job to help people overcome such problems, isn't it?
i'll just note I have been to a psycologist, no shame in that. Surprisingly unphased by the zoophilia although she did say I was her first. I was there for other reasons than zoophilia but the discussion was interesting.
Life gets better, you're independent now. Don't worry about the past. The worst guilt trip is your own.
Hey girl,
Dysfunctional religious parents? Check.
Pubescent sex wires getting crossed on a canine companion? Check.
Horribly conflicted feelings, guilt, fear and shame? Check.
I haven't had all the same experiences as you, but I do understand a lot of the feelings and your story could have easily mirrored mine if I made different choices, choices that are easy to make when you feel alone and helpless and you feel completely unlovable. But I got better. You will too. But you have to want to feel better and that's kind of a struggle in itself... to change your feeling from "I deserve to feel ashamed and bad" to "I want to be happy with myself and my memories."
I know it's really hard to embrace and come to terms with sexual experiences as a girl growing up. It seems like you have a constant "slut meter" hanging heavily over your head that feels tangible and real and every time you so much as have a "bad thought" the meter rises, and after a while you feel that you've crossed some kind of line and are worthless, that you'll never have a real relationship, that you'll never feel love the way "normal people" do, that you might as well do whatever people want from you because you can't go any lower and any kind of attention feels like love if you squint real hard and use your imagination.
This is the hard part you'll have to learn to re-frame. All your pain, all your shame, guilt, conflict... no matter what you did, it's all constructs in your own head, and you are not your brain. You are not your feelings, you are not your body, you are not your memories. You are a being of free will who can decide at any time that she can be whatever she wants, independent of what she remembers or feels. You are the one who can decide how you feel about your experiences. Did you experience things that felt bad? Ask why they felt bad, and what you learned from them, and how those experiences shaped your decisions and feelings now. Did you experience things that felt good? Embrace those feelings and know that you are not a bad person for feeling pleasure, joy, escapism or fantasy.
/u/zoozooz linked my story here, which he correctly said highlighted a lot of the positive areas in my experiences, but that was a perspective that came much later in life. Before I could look back at it with fondness, I had to go through a long period of almost daily feelings of shame, confusion or an implacable fear. I realize now I was very depressed, and a lot of that depression had more to do with emotional conflict and abuse I suffered as a child more than it did my sexual experiences with a dog.
In time and after working on those issues a lot, my attitude changed from this:
"I did terrible things that would hurt my loving family if they knew"
To this:
"Most of my childhood and teenage years were terrible, and the moments of intimacy and mutual pleasure I had with a loving friend, even if he/she was another species, were the only islands of truth, peace and comfort I really had."
You can really get past this phase.
Sex with animals is fine. Seriously, it took me a long time to figure it out, but it's really okay. I could go on for pages about why, but once I did figure it out, life became more peaceful in my head. You will get there too. PM me if you want to chat.
My upbringing was similar to yours. I ended up moving quite a distance to get away from the invasion of privacy. Anyway, you are not abnormal and there are potential friends out there for you.
My only suggestion is to try to kick the hard drugs.
[deleted]