this is pretty much something i needed to get out. I'm posting here because it is on topic, and this is probably a better audience.
Within the last week, I had a major panic attack. What set it off was a lack of communication between my place of employment and myself. I work with animals, I consider myself both sexually and romantically interested in animals, and I make sure to keep the former and latter as absolutely separate as possible. To be clear I have never had any sexual contact with an animal, nor have I ever made any plans to.
That didn't stop me, during the period of time where I had heard no communication from my place of employment, from becoming an absolute mess. I was paranoid, freaking out about this ridiculous scenario that cops would be tracking me down or waiting for me, because of my fantasies and stuff that I've posted online. Again I've literally acted on no part of my zoosexuality in real life but I wasn't really thinking rationally. I was so afraid of how this whole thing could and would absolutely destroy me if even a tiny bit seeped into my real life. Even if someone got suspicious of me, that'd be enough.
I'm still getting a little freaked out putting myself back in that place. I've been toying with the idea of coming out to someone I trust, but god I just don't know anymore. I was almost sobbing because I was afraid that someone might have magically discovered what I fantasize about- how the hell would I deal if someone actually knew about me?
I had to get this out somewhere, and I felt a little too afraid to just dump this all on one of the few online zoo pals I know. I feel crazy when I get paranoid like this but I guess it kind of comes with having these kinds of urges that society hates.
I kinda understand what you're talking about. Though I'm no doctor, it sounds like you have some sort of anxiety disorder. I get paranoid myself like that even though the worst thing I've done is look a little too long at a dog's junk.
Imo, you should probably seek a psychiatrist, if you aren't already seeing one. You don't need to talk about being a zoo, but perhaps you can learn some strategies for coping. Don't rush into things like coming out, it sounds like that will cause more stress mentally than it's worth.
I've been told that before re: anxiety disorder...haven't seen a psychologist in a while and I've never tried meds so it might be something I need...yeesh
Thanks for responding though :) I don't know if I can ever stop feeling this way but at least I hope to grow more used to this person that I am and to not get so terrified of myself
These thoughts probably won't go away completely, but the good news is that there are lots of ways to help manage them!
it's definitely hard living with thoughts, feelings and desires you know society hates and would possibly lynch you for (socially, if not literally) if they knew. all you can do is be careful about your behavior, both online and off (particularly at work) and hope for the best, though perhaps zootrashcan is onto something regarding your seemingly high level of anxiety. i hope whatever happens, you can come to accept yourself sooner rather than later. it definitely makes it easier to think clearly when you aren't constantly berating yourself in your mind.
also, i find it interesting that you say you try to keep your sexual and romantic interest in animals as separate as possible. i have been like that for a large part of my life (nearly 2 decades). things are changing for me a bit now, but i still feel at times like i would rather be two people, one with the romantic desire and one with the sexual desire, so the two never had to conflict with each other or be tainted by the other .. er.. sortof. obviously there's nothing wrong with adding romance to sex, but for some reason i have felt that adding sex to romance ruins the romance.
shrug
if you'd like to talk, send me a PM.
Hey, I'd definitely like to suggest both therapy and meds for the anxiety if you can afford them. They can seriously help and the anti-anxiety pills have far fewer side-effects than many other types of depression and mood altering drugs although they may not be completely side-effect free.
If it helps I'm feeling the same way as you only not as strongly. When I'm heading home some days I wonder if the cops will be out front of the house or something. There is absolutely no reason for them to be and even if they were they'd find nothing, zero, nada on me outside of text posts like this one. My psychologist recommended a few techniques to help, and unfortunately, one of them was literally sticking your head in the sand and not watching news or really thinking about the outside world.
She did not recommend avoiding my lover though.
In the end I think many of these problems we are having are a result of high stress caused by TV news cycles, what we're supposed to care about that is outside of our hands, shitty work situations, the lack of sleep and amount of blue light we absorb before bed from our e-devices, and the way we expect to live 24 hours of wakefulness in 16 hours of day.... If you have the ability, remove complications from your life.
Good luck and a question for other zoos? Do you find yourselves contemplating the popo, getting caught, getting outted more these days than in the past?
Edit: added detail
I recognise this. I really do. I have been in the same scenario (maybe not just as bad, but it wasn't pretty either). I had no issues seperating sexual and romantic interest in animals while working. But over the months frustration started building up about every single thing I had to keep secret to the rest of the world. I had no way of explaning myself to others. It got worse enough that people started noticing it. They genuinly wanted to help but I could only make excuses and never be truely honest with them. I felt like being locked inside a small box. I had no room to move.
Until the day I completely broke down. I just... couldn't handle it any more. I had a full meltdown and I owned it all up on a good friend that just happened to be there. And to my surprise she took it very well. She knows I'm all about the wellbeing of animals and wouldn't even think of hurting them. She doesn't understand the feeling, but understands that I feel it. I felt so much better after just knowing that somebody knew the truth about me. Every paranoia/stressed feeling vanished. It was the best thing I have ever done.
The best advice I could give you is to try to find somebody in real life you can be honest with and just... talk. Be it a good friend, family or a psychiatrist. It won't be easy to find the right person. But to have it build up into you until you just implode like me is probably not a good idea either. Some people have no issue being silent. Others, like me, just want to talk.
A second thing that helped was talking with other zoophiles online and realising that I wasn't alone in everything I went through. I had great help from these people and now that I'm much better I want to pay it forward. There's already someone in this thread who gave you the invite, but if you want to talk (as much or as little as you want), my PM box is open for you. You're not alone in this.
When I was first figuring out my attraction to animals, I was quite paranoid that someone would find me out too. Especially these days, with organizations like the NSA sifting through personal data, it seems we're getting closer and closer to a society of thought crimes, where to be persecuted you don't have to do anything but express an interest in breaking the law.
You mentioned coming out to someone close. If you do have someone in your life who would be accepting, then this is what I would recommend. Having someone else who knows can do wonders for putting things in terms of reality, rather than in terms of the worst case scenario, and it's just nice to have someone you can talk to about this kind of thing.