Hi. I'm a lurker coming out of the shadows. Something happened between myself and a female mastiff last month, something that really shook up my sexual compass. Ever since then, I've been researching sexuality, and in particular zoophilia. Two weeks ago, I found r/zoophilia, and started lurking obsessively. Before anything else, I want to thank you guys for being such fearless thinkers, and such civil discussion buddies. Having seen a few people post their personal stories, and having no other forum in which I am comfortable to discuss the matter, I'd like to share a testimony.
I'm a college student who goes to a school out-of-state, and I needed a place to stay for a five-day Thanksgiving break. Turned out my father had a friend living in the area, and they happily agreed to take me in. Everything went smoothly until I walked through the front door.
Turns out the friend and his wife owned an English mastiff named Kylie. From the moment I saw her barking at the back door, begging to meet the new human, I felt an unfamiliar knot in my stomach.
When I was younger, I had uncomfortable thoughts about big dogs, the same feelings I felt when I saw a really cute girl (I considered myself heterosexual), and it fucked me up to no end. I would Google pictures of wolfhounds, Leonbergers, and especially mastiffs because the strange feeling was so intense. To this day, I haven't told a soul. My family didn't own a dog, and over time, I learned to repress those feelings. None of my friends owned any pets larger than a basset hound, so it was easy to forget about fantasizing about large dogs, and just start rationalizing how random puberty's effects can be.
Welp, this mastiff comes barging through the back door and starts smelling me all over, and I had to excuse myself so I could bring my luggage to the guest room, shut the door, and hide the fact that A) I had a massive erection and B) my heart was pounding harder than it had in years.
The next two days were uncomfortable, to say the least. My hosts quickly noticed that I acted stiff and uncomfortable around Kylie and asked me if they wanted to keep her in the backyard during meals and evening time. I agreed, though I felt bad for the dog. I couldn't let anyone know how turned on I was, even if it was just hearing the sound of her panting and wagging her thick tail in the other room. I spent a lot of time in my room, feeling excited when I heard her paw at the door, as she did on occaison.
On day three, the wife took me outside to play with Kylie a bit, and I was so aroused (just to be close to the dog) that I went out and played some fetch. Over the day, I acted more affectionately towards Kylie. I rubbed her, petted her, let her lick my face, and generally made her owners happy to see an All-American boy playing with the dog. I managed to keep my boner down somehow, and was secretly thrilled to be so close to Kylie. Her natural scent was amazing.
None of this is quite confession-worthy yet, but I felt the backstory was important to provide some context for what happened next.
It was the last night of my stay before I had to leave, and I had gone to bed early. I had been playing with Kylie and she had just pinned me down and given me a lot of sloppy doggy kisses. Her owners had laughed and laughed, but I was beet-red-- not because of her affections, but because I was delirious with arousal. I pretended to be tired and went for a shower. My hosts said they were tired, too, and that they were going in for a nap.
I kept from touching myself in the shower and went straight to the guest room, pulling over the covers and taking off my clothes so I could masturbate. I almost felt light-headed, I was so turned on. I didn't care whether it was wrong or right, I just had to answer this primal need.
I'll spare the gory details, but long story short... I forgot to shut the door, and Kylie came in and climbed on the bed, and started sticking her nose where it didn't belong. There was oral sex, and I climaxed. There was a lot of lots of kissing and licking. It happened so suddenly, I feel like I couldn't have stopped it if I tried. After ten minutes or so, I shooed Kiley away (she seemed very, very happy) took another shower, and hid in the (locked) guest room for the rest of the night. I trembled, thinking about the line I had just crossed. I barely said a word to her owners the next day-- just, "Thanks", and then into the car.
I've been wracked with guilt ever since, and I barely hang out with anyone at my school. I'm scared somehow they'll know I did something wrong by looking me in the eye. Another part of me feels like what transpired between this dog and I was innocent. The research I have done is starting to support that conclusion. I'm not much of a religious person, but this taboo is so strong in my mind and I'm scared.
I got a call from my parents saying that their friends loved having me, and would love to see me again sometime. Part of me wants to see Kiley again (and get a mastiff of my own someday...) and part of me never wants to see them again.
And that's where I am. I still don't know who I am. I am proud of the label heterosexual, but I feel like this encounter with Kylie has made me something else. Don't feel like you have to write any advice; I just needed a place to vent. If you do have any experiences that might hep shed light on my own, feel free to share. I'm not sure what my place in the universe is if I'm attracted to canines.
TL;DR-- I had a sexual encounter with a mastiff that's making me question things. I don't necessarily need advice; I just wanted a place to share.
Thanks for sharing. Your story kind of parallels my own. Different details (male labrador, not female mastiff), but the mix of fear, shame, and lust is familiar, as is the kissing with two different meanings, to you and to everyone else.
First, and this isn't surprising to hear on this board, I don't see anything wrong with what you've done so far. What happened was between you and Kylie, and you apparently both enjoyed yourselves (assuming that no discomfort on her part was left out of the story). People have a lot of different moral standards, but as far as I am concerned, if no individual was harmed, no moral wrong was committed. It happened, and if you want, it doesn't have to happen again.
By the way, there doesn't have to be any conflict with your heterosexuality here. For one, you still were with a female, technically. But more seriously, sexual orientations aren't limited to one gender or one species in all cases. Similar to bisexuality, there are plenty of people who are attracted to both people and animals, even married couples in which one or both partners are zoo, and even actively engaged with animals. That can get complicated, and there can be massive problems if you aren't totally honest with your human partner, but it's not completely impossible.
You might also ignore your feelings towards animals entirely, and pursue women. Such feelings can fade with time and lack of exposure. But if you really have a deep enough fascination with large dogs to Google them for the pleasure of their images, ignoring it completely may not be helpful to you. Ultimately, you'll have to decide for yourself what's the best way to live your life. But we're here to listen (or read) if need be.
Very well put.
That took a lot of courage to confess. I don't really have much to add to Kynophile's words, but I wish you well in your life journey. If you happen to decide to own a female mastiff someday... and you start getting more intimate... and she seems to enjoy it... I refuse to believe that there's anything wrong with that!
Well. I mean, you arent the only person who's mind was blown the first time. Everything spinning and that "why did that feel so right in all ways yet I know I'm the only one in the world that thinks this way." thought that keeps popping up. Thing is you're not the only one and if its the path you choose to follow, you'll get past the blown mind.
You never mentioned whether you're a virgin or a Chad Thundercock with tons of human experience. If a virgin, consider that everyone's first few times kinda spin the brain around a bit. God, I remember how nervous I was when I was young and on those first dates. But regardless whether you're virgin or a Chad, its a legitimate brainsplosion and you should probably enjoy it. You only get a few of those in a lifetime.
Finally, I'd have to say you sound like a natural born zoo. The history you mention pretty much lines up with mine, though I don't know that it was only one particular species that I was noticing as a kid. Your reaction to the dog pretty much tells me that your wiring is nicely crossed and the splices have heat shrink on them. I gave up playing doctor with girls and started hanging out staring at horses and dogs and you-name-it. My dating life was thankfully rather unsuccessful for the short time I played that game and now I'm a zoo exclusive and loving it and getting more and better zugzug than Chad Thundercock now that he's married LOL. But I wont try to sell you on anything-- Just saying your story seems terribly familiar.
TL;DR-- Enjoy your brainsplosion. I suspect you're wired for animals like me. Bwahahahahaha and I don't ever want to change.
Welcome to this universe, right here. Where not everything makes sense and trying to define it by set rules and measures will always get you tested to the breaking point.
I really, really appreciate and understand the feelings you've shared here. I think I went through the same thing for a long time which I'm sure you know as you've read my story. Maybe the biggest fear in realizing you have an "unconventional" attraction is that something in you is broken, that you're missing something important that will harm your ability to be "normal" in the world.
Well, the good(?) news is that there is no such thing as "normal." Everyone has some really weird things lurking in their closets that they will never, ever share in a million years nor even dare entertain the thoughts of, other than alone, on the internet on incognito searches online in the middle of the night. Something isn't missing or broken in you, you have something added, and although it may not make sense to a lot of people, what matters is if it makes you feel good. So let it make you feel good. Let in the fantasy, memory, indulgence and even plans for the future. It's okay, you can live YOUR life the way you want, outside judgement and persecution.
You crossed an imaginary line. Nothing really changed. Nobody was hurt, nothing bad happened. You won't get anyone pregnant, neither of you have to worry about getting tested for STI's, and more likely than not, Kiley will probably not tell anyone. So try to frame the memory in a positive light, lest it drive you mad.
Nobody is secretly judging you and watching. I grew up under that threat for so long that when I had fantasies and thoughts that I knew were "bad" I really thought I was dooming not just myself, but my entire family and future. The more I let go of paranoia, the more I could embrace it as part of myself and even though it took a very long time, I now cherish my own experiences and wished I appreciated what I had more when I had it. I hope you can too.
Thank you all for listening. I don't know how much I'll be using this account to talk, but I will definitely be watching (and upvoting) posts to come. I can't come to terms with what happened, not completely, not right now, but I think it might be possible with time.
I will confess that it was one of the most wonderful things I've ever experienced in my life. :)
not much to add, really, but i hope you can make peace with this and not worry about it. i'm biased, of course, but i'm rooting for the scenario that has you happy with a nice big mastiff some day. :) i'm partial to large female dogs, myself...
Hi! (Sorry late comment, just registered here)
I am also young, 20yrs, but I'm a zoo for almost half my life already.
I know how confusing it can be, guess many zoos have a similar situation altleast once in their life. The incident with Kylie was an experience, it felt good -and during the moment: right- for you, and even she was happy, as you told us. You feel guilty, I can understand, she's not even your own dog, you never had something like this before. (I actually envy you for this, I never experienced such an intense love moment yet, haha)
But try to turn off these thoughts, see it from the dogs view: she came up to you, intended to get close, you didn't do anything wrong in my eyes, and I bet the dog doesn't feel guilty either :P It's like, you both followed your instincts, even if it seems unnatural to some.
And what you said is proof enough that she showed consent. The owners don't know about this, they won't be happy about it if they did, I believe. But please don't try to fight the feelings, it's poison for you. You seem like an intelligent and caring person, so I'm sure you wouldn't hurt an animal.
You can still meet humans/girls, whatever your desires are, just don't be ashamed of your "other" side, you can't choose your sexuality. People who are against zoos are mainly uninformed, intolerant, or just disgusted by something that is the most normal thing for us. Don't let them influence you.
So, you can choose if you want to see Kylie again, but to: "and part of me never wants to see them again." - don't let fear decide what you should do or not do.
Sorry if my english grammar isn't correct at some parts, and I'm still quite an unexperienced zoo, but I hope I helped you a bit. :)
Greetings.