In the past few weeks I was inactive in here and now I regained my inner balance a bit so I can tell the story...to come to terms with what has happened and to honour my marewho has given me a life in paradise the past 22 years.

I bought my mare back in 1994, on the 6th of january, my birthday.This was the day I really started to finally have the life I was striving for, with the lovliest and gentlest mare I could imagine. She meant everything to me right from the start. One day after our 22nd anniversary, I fed her in the morning, as usual. After finishing my usual duties, I went home to take a quick nap for three hours, but was interrupted by the phone ringing around 11.30 AM. one of the other horseowners called and told me that my mare was lying on her paddock and was unable to get up. Since my mare was nearly 30 years old and sometimes had problems to rise, I thought it was the usual procedure of giving her a little help to get up again...boy, how wrong I was.

When I arrived, my beloved little sweet mouse was lying on her side, sweaty, refused to even try to get up....and when I kneeled besides her head to calm her down a bit, my world turned into some surreal nightmare. I realized how severe the situation is, called a vet immediately, but it already was too late for any vet to arrive in time. The only thing I could do for the love of my life was to hold her head, caressing and kissing her while I was crying, waiting for her last breath. I guess that she kept fighting until I arrived, because soon after I picked up her head, holding it into my arms, she made movements like she was going to gallop while lying on her side, then all the tension of her body vanished and she died in my arms, fifteen minutes before noon. Since then, all my life collapsed. My dear Wiena, I know you can´t read this, it´s been three weeks without you now and I miss you so much. I´m nothing without you, you made me into what I am, you were there for me when I needed you most in my life. It was you who gave me meaning and purpose for my life, I endured everything just for you, my little mouse.And now you´re gone...you died in my arms. I miss you so much and can´t figure out how to continue without you. We were born for each other. And now your last horseshoes lie in front of me while I am typing this, all your equipment is scattered around my livingroom and i am touching the urn with your ashes while typing. I hope I gave you a good life since I "bought" you 22 years ago, I hope I was the gentle and caring lover you deserved, I hope my company was as pleasant and uplifting to ou as was yours for me. I owe you everything, my dear. You´ll always be my number one, I have your portrait tattooed on my throat, your pictures pinned onto my livingroom wall, all the memories with you inside my head, the trophies we won at dressage competitions...but I would give everything to get you back. An era has ended for me. You passed away and took me with you, all that remains is an empty shell struggeling with the unbearable. I am really thanful for everything you did for me, I am grateful for meeting you, becoming your friend, your partner, your lover. I cherish every single day we were together. I miss you more each and every single day I have to fight through all of this without you. My Wiena, you were the most gentle, intelligent, loving being I had the pleasure to meet. You were more than I ever wished for. You were perfect, beautiful, soft, understanding,a passionate lover, an angel sent to earth to guide me. I´m not religious, but if there is some superior being with any sense of justice, we both will meet again some day. We belonged together and i hope that the first thing I will see and hear when I die will be you. I know that you were old, your eyesight was gone, your muscles had become weak, but still I wake up every morning thinking of you. I´m glad I was with you when you took your last breath like I promised. I´m glad that you died like you lived, in dignity. I will never forget you, never forget what you did for me, what you were for me, the perfect wife. Goodbye, my sweet little mouse; I miss you, I´ll never forget you and hope you are waiting for me until I die. Please be there in my final seconds...if you are with me, there´s nothing I have to fear.

I immediately quit my job at the stable I was working, walking by your empty box is nothing I could bear. My life has become empty and hollow, but I think that´s just the price I have to pay for meeting my soulmate. the more you love, the more it hurts when your soulmate is gone. After three weeks, the pain still is almost unbearable, just another indicator of how much I loved you.

Thank you for everything, Wiena. I think of you every day, every hour, every second. I cried so much in the last weeks that not a single tear is left. Goodbye, my love, my soulmate, my everything. You taught me everything I needed to know about life and love and I am eternally grateful for that.Goodbye.

(@all: Maybe this is my final post in here. I don´t know what my future will bring. I´m hurt deep inside,I feel like a zombie, have no purpose anymore. I´m not suicidal, so don´t worry,but I don´t know if continuing commenting would be the right thing for me at the moment. I want to thank the Dutch horse crematory De Breborgh for everthing. Wiena´s body was treated with dignity, I had the opportunity to say goodbye to her and kiss her on her nose one final time before the van left for the Netherlands. Even the driver seemed to sense what she meant to me, he told me that I was suffering like a dog and treated her body with extra care.So, dear redditors, I´m out of here and I don´t know if I will come back. My soul has been ripped out of my body three weeks ago and I can´t even see how I can continue right now.The next thing I will do is getting Wiena´s neck number branded onto my own neck. I already have her Hannover branding on my butt and promised her that I would wear her "insignia" when she´s gone. Yes, it hurts...but it´s nothing compared to all this emptiness and despair I have to go through now. Farewell, everybody and don´t forget my attitude towards the scene. Bye. 30-30 )