Yeah, I know, dramatic title and all. It's about me, naturally. I do appologize for that self-centered nature here on reddit of all places, but I think some people would like to know how I am doing and without knotty.me I have nowhere else to post updates (I'm banned from zoophilesforum and can't recommend it anyways).
For those not up to speed, I'm that guy who was "treated" for zoophilia that resulted in an agoraphobic mess of a person who couldn't even return to the doe he loved before she died. This tears me up inside greatly to this day.
Recently, things have been in flux. I have been made aware of a condition that sadly, limits my time on this earth to not much more than 10-20 more years. It's not HIV or anything (don't like humans anyways lol), but it's definitely hard news and there isn't much I can do about it. This has spurred me to quit moping and do something with what's left of my life.
I went outside longterm for the first time in years last weekend. It wasn't much, just an old nature trail I used to hike when I was younger, before the outing, before the "treatment." It felt all kinds of wrong, and by the end, I was spitting and pulling hairs and doing all kinds of nervous behaviors, but I did it. I did it because I can't sit inside and waste my life anymore. I did it also because I wanted to be one with the outdoors again, where she lived and died, where we once shared our love, and where I once was most at home. I wanted a taste of that again.
I also did it because I know she would've wanted me too. Willow, thought it hurts me, I did it, because though I failed my promise to return to you, I want to make good on the part of my promise that I will not forget you. I never have. I never will.
I noticed the trail in question had changed quite a bit since I'd last seen it, almost to the point of being unrecognizable. Parts have washed away completely into the neighboring creek bed, and new trail areas have been erected or formed in it's wake. Like me, much has changed here since it's youth, but I can't say it's not still beautiful. Looking back on it, I can see it's beauty even if I couldn't enjoy it while I was there. It's a start... being able to at least walk for 15 minutes like that outside with nature, and enjoy it after the fact.
Willow, I did this for you. I wish you could be here to see how happy I am to be able to fulfill even this small part of that promise I made to you, so long ago. I will try again, and for longer next time. And I will keep doing it until I can stand it again, maybe even enjoy it. Maybe I can recoup part of what we had my love. And if I can, maybe anyone can. Maybe there is hope for all of us.
I hope whoever reads this realizes that.
http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb138/grouphugphotos/R-T-B/Willow.jpg
That's terrible for you. Given both your certainty of limited lifespan and the long range of the prognosis, I'm guessing it's neurodegenerative, like Alzheimer's or Huntington's. If that's the case, it's a long, tough road, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Please, cherish the life you have, and put it to good use if you can. You don't want to be remembered for your last days and the sadness that accompanied them.
Fortunately my mind is not so much what will be failing (though it's had it's days), but needless to say it will be hard at times. I agree I wouldn't wish mental debilitation on my worst enemy.
If I want to be forthcoming, it's basically multiple organ failure. I've had a bad heart for a while (it started with Wolf Parkinsons White when I was born and has been fucked up ever since, even though that was surgically corrected), and the other issues just keep cropping up and getting worse. The fact that it's numerous organs really eliminate the chance of any transplant saving me because I'd need numerous ones (and even if I could get all I'd need it'd be a world of surgeries and pain and I'm not sure I'd want that). That said, the prognosis is not immediate. Many things are treatable at least for now, I just have a very short time here when looking longterm because none of them are in good shape.
And to be dead honest, it isn't certain. Miracles do happen. But I learned long ago I don't have much luck for miracles.
For now, I am happy to be at home and independent in the sense that I'm not in a hospital.
I know. And that's what I'm trying to do now. I know it's both what I, and Willow, would've wanted.
That sucks, but you shouldn't despair. Modern medicine is still advancing quickly. Maybe in 5 years they can slow its progression down a bit. Maybe in 10 years they can slow it even more. Maybe in 20 years they can slow it even more. And maybe in 30 years they can reverse it. Of course, don't fixate with exaggerated hope on it, I'm just saying, who knows what can happen.
That's why I didn't fixate on it in my original post. It's probable, but not a guarantee/death sentence. Regardless, it's time to quit laying about.
I wish I could say something that could make you feel better but I'm not so good at it. Simply saying I'm sorry doesn't seem enough :(.
I think a big part of what makes the life worth living is knowing how to deal with the crap that happens to you. This includes accepting and understanding your own limitations and knowing you don't have to overcome every single one of them to be great and achieve your personal goals. That said, without the will for self-improvement, men have the tendency to turn into useless vegetables. You see this very often with retired old folks that have nothing to do once they leave their job, they just sit in the park and turn into urban furniture.
As long as your mind is ok, you can always have the will for self-improvement, even if the rest of you is falling apart.
I am really glad you made it to the outside world. I offer you my best wishes. May you reconquest the open range.
Thank you. "Urban furniture" is a good description of where I was and I want pretty much anything but that. I can't think of a worse fate for me... It was time to do something and I hope I can keep it up.
Duno if this would make you feel better, but knowing when you going to die means that you can make the most of your time and do shit that you would normally won't do and not waste any time. So, look at it on the positive side of that.
It has helped me feel better. I don't really know when I'm going to die exactly, to be fair, only that it's coming, but it's spurred me to do things I otherwise wouldn't have done and that has helped a lot lately.
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