So I was 13, or around that age. I start looking at books with pictures of horses in them. I begin to admire their form, the way they look. Wasn't long after that when I develop a natural curiosity of their sexual parts. Realize that I have a special attraction to them. Aspire to work with horses when I grew older, and learn about their ways. Everything seems all right. A few years later, I get into an "accident" of some sort. Have to undergo invasive surgery. Those aspirations of working with horses were effectively destroyed. Depression inevitably looms over the horizon. I try not to think about "what could've been," but it lingers in the back of my mind and doesn't go away. I continue to fantasize about horses almost every day, but at the same time the realization of never carrying out these desires would slowly hollow out my insides. I really start to question life. Try to convince myself that dogs are reasonable substitutes for horses. It fails. Gradually revert to a childlike state of mind over the course of several more years, basically lose all control over my emotions. Can feel the grip on reality slowly slipping away. Become very bitter and cynical. Spend most of my free time shitposting on the internet. Arrive here.
How does it end up getting this bad? The domino effect is all too real. To this day, I still cannot believe that this is actually happening. I have not been able to get past these shortcomings, and I fear it has completely stunted my emotional growth. I am utterly lost on what to do, and have been for far too long. However, it seems as though nobody can be of any help.
What exactly is it that prevents you from being around horses?
PM'd you
Have you ever heard about therapeutical riding? Even people with limp legs, sitting in a wheelchair can do it. They get a special saddle because they cannot send signals to walk, trot, canter or gallop in a traditional way, with their legs, but they can do quite well. As a professional dressge tournament participant, I occasionally see and meet disabled riders participating in tournaments, too. Take Hannelore Brenner,for example, the Olympic champion disabled dressage rider. I´m not sure about it, but I guess she´s a victim of the Contergan incident in Germany, causing many babies being born with deformed and underdeveloped limbs in the´60s and ´70s. Brenner has got no arms. What is your excuse? ;) Where there ´s a will, there´s a way...
PS: I´m sorry, I was wrong on Brenner´s disability, she´s paraplegic. The woman I had in mind I met on a tournament riding with the "normal" competitors in the same competition actually had no arms, and was indeed a victim of Contergan.Brenner won the paralympic dressage championship several times...
I know your story from ZoophilesForum, but honestly, the information you provided there was far too unspecific to give the reader a realistic impression of what your problem is. Thus, I'd like to ask you to go into detail a little bit more and expand on the nature of your physical disabilities so that we get a more thorough understanding of your situation. As 30-30 has suggested, therapeutical riding could be a viable option for you if you want to get in touch with horses. Of course, this is never going to be a veritable substitute for the unique experience of owning and caring for an equine partner, but it could be a starting point, indeed.
To be honest, I’ve been trying to avoid going into detail, but I guess there is nothing to lose at this point. Plus I just haven’t had the energy to type up something like this. Writing about personal stuff doesn’t come naturally, but if anyone sees this and can relate to it, then maybe it will have been worth it.
The attraction to horses has always been there. It literally started happening when I hit puberty, despite never having been exposed to them during childhood. I always felt that they were the most beautiful animals. Basically they stood out to me the most. I don’t even remember anything that could have caused these feelings initially. As a young teenager, I wanted to learn more about them. I won’t lie, though, I also desired to be around them for sexual reasons. As I grew older, though, I realized that the urge to have sex with a horse wasn’t really as important as I thought. What superseded it was the need just to be around them, to touch them, to be in their presence. Ultimately to confirm to myself that they are indeed real creatures. This is when I started to lose control of my mind, and basically spiral out of control, becoming a total recluse while spending most of my time online. It feels like I’ve been experiencing a complete regression in mental faculties.
Truthfully, I never had an accident. It's actually a congenital deformity in my spine. The surgery that I mentioned affected my back, and it really changed how I thought about myself. It created a sort of inferiority complex. Your back is essentially the core of your body. It’s how you are able to do most things that require performing strenuous tasks, and other types of hard labor. I see people suggesting to try out therapy horses, but it doesn’t seem like I’m disabled enough to do that. I can still walk around and do physical activities, just not anything that puts strain on my back. Plus it would be very weird to have someone like me, who is seemingly fine, to be around other people who are most likely bound to wheelchairs, and have developmental disorders other than mild autism.
I left out a lot of details in this post, so this is basically a summary. If you need more information, then I will try to provide it the best way I can.
I has read your posts on ZF as well. Might I be so bold to suggest that your problem is not physical and you need therapy to work on your "inferiority" complex? I can think of two people easily who are confined to motorized wheelchairs who "dance" with their horses. They both only have use of thier arms. There is a lot you can do with horses, horse agility maybe? Go to a barn and be up front about your disability and that you love horses, in the platonic way, and lots of stuff can happen.
Horses, of course, cost money but now your just in the same boat as the rest of the horse zoos.
I wouldn't go so far as to say that I'm in the same boat. Horses can be very dangerous. One false move and I'll have to go back under the knife, and who knows if they'd be able to do anything to fix me when this happens.
Also, to add, I do have quite a lot of hardware in my back. I have to be careful not to damage it.
Seek help for your mental blocks, physiotherapists and psychologists can help you stop fearing to live. Physiotherapists DO have training in the mental aspects of injury recovery and they also might be able to help how fragile your back is.
There is nothing any of us can do to help until you take some first steps. I'd rather die happy than live in fear of moving, to be completely honest. In all my years of handling horses, both as a job and on my own, I've not ever been injured. Well, I have slipped on ice while loading hay and that screwed up my arm. Years later I'm finally recovering because I found someone who knew what they were doing.
I do wish you a tonne of good luck. I hope you find your way through.
There are horse professionals who had very bad spine problems and could still work in the horse business.
If you have a piece of land where grass grows, building a campaign barn and adopting some abandoned horses or buying young untrained ones is not really expensive and it does not require that much work. The worse strain in your back would come the few days of the year when you must store the supplemental hay in your warehouse, but I suppose you could easily get help with that.
If you don't think you will be able to achieve that, the closest thing you could do is volunteering for an animal welfare association specialized in horses. There is much work to do in them that does not require physical prowess. You can also try and join some riding club for some light activities.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. Even if it must have been hard for you to do so, revealing these personal, intimate details was indeed a step in the right direction. Now that you've opened up to the community, several users have already given you reasonable advice which you might, at least to some extent, take benefit from. My recommendation to you quite matches u/Yearningmice's second comment: If it's mental problems that keep you from getting in touch with horses, you should consider seeking professional assistance in order to find a viable solution. On the other hand, if you think you can manage to overcome your fear by yourself, I'd like to encourage you to take the first step and simply go for it, regardless of the risk which might be involved in working with horses.
You don't need to ride to work with horses, though I don't know the extent of your problem.
I've only the same advice here that I gave you on ZF (I'm phantomzoo62 there), and you didn't like it there so I'll not reiterate it here. I will only repeat that you aren't in an insurmountable position. I too have hardware in my back (and leg, arm and head btw). It does limit what I do now with horses, but it far from prevents my doing anything with them.
I still feel that your mental issues and attitude are what limits you, and they can indeed change. I'm changing mine, or trying to, so I know it's highly difficult, and I've offered that advice in the past, so I'll leave you to your own choices there.
I am glad to see your farewell there was only to that forum, as I know you, again like I, have been suicidal in the past. I was genuinely concerned.
I basically can't do anything strenuous. This is what concerns me, as horses require that kind of interaction.
At this point, I've decided that suicide is too easy. I feel compelled to stay alive, even if I have to continue to suffer.
They really don't.
I'd still recommend ASTRIDE or another such program then that at least give you some contact with equines, in a very controlled environment. At least you can bond some with the animals that way.
You did mention though a possibility of allergies on the other forum, which would further limit you. Again, that's unfortunate and I pity you that, and that would rule out ASTRIDE.
I too have been told "Nothing strenuous", but I ignore that, so far with-out consequences, because I love what I do too much to quit.
I hope, even if against hope, for some peace for you, and yeah, life is always the better option...
I can't join any organization that offers those services.
Maybe I'm just hopeless at this point.
I hope this doesn't sound like a shortcut answer, but I agree with the above that it sounds like talking it through with a therapist might be a good strategy. Especially since it sounds like you can easily dismiss topics of sexual nature, this should be something easy to share.
Unfortunately people with various disabilities, even just physical limitations in some cases, physically cannot have the exact same experiences as others, at least not in the same carefree way.
But, many therapy horses are predictable and very low energy. Even without riding, it would be possible to perhaps volunteer grooming them or even just go out there and be around them. Many of the therapy "riding" sessions involve someone on horseback being led slowly around an indoor arena, and you could perhaps even volunteer to lead them, if properly trained, which could give you a good excuse to be "more normally-abled" than the participants, but "more disabled" than a typical person. As well as giving back to the community!
This all assumes such a place is available to you, of course.
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I have thought about talking with a therapist regarding my attraction to horses, but it just seems too weird (at least to nonzoos) that, even if I don't mention anything sexual, they'd grow suspicious of me. They wouldn't want me to be around horses at all, and would even try to "fix" this attraction.
It seems that therapy horses are not a viable option.
I hate being in this position. Not officially disabled, yet still have extensive physical limitations that put you at a disadvantage compared to everyone else.
The more I hear your way of describing concerns, the more I think it would probably help you in many ways, even beyond the horse topic, to talk to someone... but... your choice, of course.
Depending on your jurisdiction, you actually may be "officially disabled."
Deciding this needs to be continued in the correct thread.
Now first off, seeing how someone who pointed out many obvious things was told they were insensitive and lacking empathy lets look at the possible reasons.
Insensitivity is not always just in someones make up, it can and often is a result of one person trying to help another who tells them of a condition or situation they are in, yet getting the constant excuses back along with the lack of any effort to improve. You can't help those who refuse to help themselves. After a while the listener does not want to hear it anymore because it is clear that no matter what is said, there is constant excuses. Or in this case, the OP has a history of just not wanting to hear any options since he shoots everything down just as he has done so in another online community. You get married once and divorce, sure you can blame that on the spouse. Get married a second time and divorce again, OK maybe just a second run of bad luck. Get married yet another time and again it ends in divorce? Perhaps at this point you might very well be the reason behind the path your walking?
Empathy in one person can often be the fault of the other in question NOT giving enough info to why they are in such a situation. You can not expect someone to have empathy if you do not provide them with the details to know exactly why your in such a position let alone understand anything about being in your shoes.
Quote: r/darkspirit5 “I do have quite a lot of hardware in my back. I have to be careful not to damage it.”
Quote: r/silverwolf-tippysmat “I've only the same advice here that I gave you on ZF (I'm phantomzoo62 there), and you didn't like it there so I'll not reiterate it here. I will only repeat that you aren't in an insurmountable position. I too have hardware in my back (and leg, arm and head btw). It does limit what I do now with horses, but it far from prevents my doing anything with them.”
Here is someone pretty much showing empathy by what the you have given us to what your condition sort of is r/darkspirit5, yet who's advice you did not want to hear either.
I see just a repeat going on in this sub-reddit which you left behind at Zoophiles Forum. You claim not to be able to do anything at all with horses even though people at Zoophiles forum gave you pretty much the same many options and thoughts on how to go about it. Many of these options have people who ARE disabled participating in them. And according to your own words, they are not even officially disabled.
Quote: r/darkspirit5 “I basically can't do anything strenuous.”
Showing up at a therapeutic riding barn and petting a horses nose either through the bars of the stall or while their head is just hanging out from their stall is not at all strenuous. Right there is your chance to at least get to touch one for starters.
Quote: r/darkspirit5 “I hate being in this position. Not officially disabled, yet still have extensive physical limitations that put you at a disadvantage compared to everyone else. “
These therapeutic programs r/darkspirit5 are often filled with people that can not even drive a car with many various degrees of disabilities that prevent them from having any sort of an advantage compared to anyone else. Many of these I am sure can not do anything strenuous. Heck at one of these therapeutic barns I seen someone in a wheel chair leading a horse down the isle way. So what makes you worse off than those disabled ones who do participate in activities around horses when, as you have claimed, your not even disabled to begin with? What EXACTLY is it that prevents you from being around horses? And this is not the first time someone asked this same question in which you did not bother to answer.
Quote: r/Yearningmice “What exactly is it that prevents you from being around horses?”
To add to the many certified disabled ones who have defied the odds of their disadvantages I will add someone who suffers from another type of ailment. I know of another zoophile, equiphile to be more exact, who is allergic to horses to the point they have to carry with them one of those “hypoallergenic needle pens” (Not sure if that is what it is called, not at all a doctor) in case they have a flare up. And besides having their own horses they work in the horse industry and are around many various horses every day. Yet their love for horses, let alone the agony at times they go through when they have a flare up, does not prevent them from avoiding what they desire.
Quote: r/darkspirit5 “I used to have a vision too. Helping other people have better lives, particularly zoophiles.”
Could you stand back and maybe look at the advice given and at least consider what they are saying, even if not to your liking, as others trying to help you? I mean you did make a calling out for help right?
QUOTE: u/darkspirit5 “When I say I can't be around horses, it isn't because of some kind of "depression." That is only a label. Plenty of depressed individuals can still live functionally, and even pursue their interests. This all boils down to my physical condition. Don't be tempted to lean on only one facet of an entire individual. I know myself better than anyone else.”
Just like these depressed people you mentioned can live functional lives and pursue their interests, so do the many disabled people and those with many various physical conditions.
Quote: u/darkspirit5 “. . . You assume way too much, . . You think that whatever works for you, must work for other people. You also seem to have had an easy life when it comes to being around horses.”
Quote: u/darkspirit5 “You have not experienced life like I have. You do not even know the definition of hardship. If you had any of the problems that I have, you wouldn't be able to care for your mares. How would that make you feel?”
This sorta sounds like the whole, “Oh woahes me, my condition, life, and hardships are worse than those of everyone else who clearly had an easy life having everything handed to them on a gold platter.” complex. You complain about someone assuming something about you yet you out right just assume something about them by saying they had an easy life with horses. True no one can say they experienced your life as they of course did not live it. But is it right to assume you, out of billions of people, had it worse than them all? You think your the only one who struggles from day to day? What makes you worse than everyone else in that regard? Would it even helped if anyone went on to tell you about how hard their life was and the hardships they had to endure to make their dreams come true?
Quote: u/darkspirit5 “If you want to leave this community, please do, as we don't need another idealist who thinks he knows what is best for other people.””
And we need another pessimist?
Could it be you chose to not want to be helped at all? Are you only looking for pity and when someone brings forth a resolution to give you hope, you kill them?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6NA4Se_tNF0
I will blame r/untamedanomaly for reminding me of this skit when he replied to you in another thread with “You sure you aren't a unicorn?”
Along with the various thoughts and questions above. . . Why did you leave Zoophiles Forum to come here? Could it be you where hoping for a completely different response? Being you pretty much got the same response here do you not think perhaps you should just look into the possibilities offered? Wouldn't it be worth it just to be able to even touch a horse, even if the best you could do is stay safely outside the stall?
You people must believe that I enjoy being miserable, that this is somehow self-imposed. "Just go out to a stable and touch a horse." It is never that simple. There is a reason that I can't do certain things. If it was at all possible, I would've done so by now. It doesn't even matter anyway. I've beaten myself up so much over the years because of this one thing. I can't seem to do anything about it, so why continue to argue with strangers over the internet? It obviously is of no use for others to keep repeating the same advice over again. Nothing will ever change.
Well it has been proven many people do like to be miserable and do intentionally keep themselves in that state because they seek the pity of others, whether knowingly or subconsciously. Or some just do it for drama and attention.
And again, still no answer at all to the questions to find out what is exactly preventing you. I mean people that are strictly bed ridden have gotten to see horses, little miniatures which where brought to them. Do you get up out of bed? Do you move about the house and clean or cook? Do you leave the house? Do you drive a car or go to work? Do you go shopping?
And this is only arguing if you chose it to be. This is people trying to help and open your mind up to the many possibilities which you clearly do not want. What was the purpose of you starting this thread in the first place if you did not seek options or opinions to give you hope? And yes, obviously you keep getting the same answers from everyone because you have yet to give anyone the real true reasons to why you "just can't". Last I checked this is a Zoophiles sub-reddit, not a Psychics Sub-reddit so untill you tell us all we can do is take guesses and offer ideas based on these guesses.
So here is my guess. You have either a very extreme fear of horses that you are afraid to get within 50 feet of one or a fear of leaving your house and going out into the world around you. Have seen many people afraid of horses along the trails, the ones that get off the trail and go ten to 20 feet into the woods when they see my horse coming toward them. So this I can understand but never heard of someone being infatuated with horses yet being afraid of them.
Sadly, Nothing will ever change if you refuse to change it.
If it's not my back, it's something else. There has always been a barrier that has kept me away from horses thus far. Now I'm starting to believe that being around them was never meant to happen. I can tell you that it is not due to fear of being near them. I'm just trapped in a society that isn't conducive to my problems. It isn't supposed to be this difficult, but it is. I'm met with opposition every day. Is it any wonder that I can't achieve this goal? How could anyone have the power to succeed if they are not able to function at the most basic level? It's like a perfect mix of mental and physical anomalies that prevent me from living out this dream. Not only that, but nobody in real life is willing to help at all. I only wish that other people would see how good they have it.