[NS] My problem is very easy (basically the title), but I think it's important to point out the next details:
Summary of sex life biography:
I had no sexual desires at all in my life until I was 22 (I'm 25 now), meaning I didn't show any interest in sex or anything remotely close to it until that point of my life, and I still don't because I'm afraid of it. I was basically an "asexual" before, and it was hard socially speaking, because I didn't relate to most people, and if I was asked what I liked I always tried to avoid the topic. If I was too pushed I'd just say "I don't really have any interest honestly" even if most didn't believe me. Most relatives probably think I'm just too timid when it comes to sexuality in general, some might think I'm homosexual or something similar. I don't really know what they think of me regarding sexuality because they never told me what they think of it about me.
The truth is that somehow (can't exactly tell since when but it started some time in the beginning of 2014) I started finding mares sexually attractive. I didn't want to admit it at first but I ended up giving up. It wasn't even a fetish, it was the only thing that I found sexually appealing at all: female equines. With the time I also started fantasizing about having sexual intercourse with a big female canine, but my biggest appeal was and still is female equines, but we would be getting kind off topic there. Eventually I also started finding women attractive too, maybe a bit more visually appealing than canines, but not more than equines at all. With this I mean I would have sex with a woman (not any ofc, but thats also off-topic) but what always excites me the most, infinitely more than that, is the idea of doing it with an equine (I wouldn't get an animal just for sex, and I don't see them as sex toys, I know there's a lot of morality playing here but it is also besides the point, but believe me I'd never do anything bad in that regard). Anyway I'm a virgin, never did anything yet nor plan on doing it with an animal unless I'm 100% sure it will be okay for me and for the animal, which wont happen any time soon because of other factors (like me not having my own private place yet and more reasons).
The point of this is that my past makes it even harder, because going from completely asexual, or timid (on the eyes of the rest) to "wanting to fuck animals" is very critical.
Sex talks with relatives and the frustration:
Anyway, two of my cousins really pushed me into the sex topic and forced me to say I'm asexual (I lied, I stopped being "asexual" a couple of years before saying this, but I was too afraid of even saying any bit of truth about my sexuality, even about finding women at least somewhat attractive). One of them didn't believe me and made me swear it to him many times, he even once said "everyone wants to fuck something, even if its a goat or anything, it doesnt matter, its just impossible not to have desire at all". I giggled, but still shrug'd it out and kept saying I am an "exception".
Why do I keep lying and not even saying I like women when I actually do, you may ask? Even if I like mares more than women, why not at least say I like women and not mention the rest? If you are wondering this, I don't blame you, but the answer is that it really hurts me a lot to say things that are only partially true, I find it very hard and it makes me feel bad with myself. I would do it, but not to people I trust a lot. I told my cousins everything except this, because I'm too afraid, but I need someone to talk this with. It would really help me. Being completely alone and saying it only in this site is honestly frustrating me, because I feel I'm going nowhere this way.
My cousin takes everything too seriously and he looks concerned and preoccupied a lot about things I don't even really find very concerning (I think he exaggerates and worries too much about everything). This makes me feel that if I ever tell him about this, he would freak out and, even though it's not something he usually does, he might tell someone else. Sometimes I think, what if I stopped caring and let everyone know? like, not saying it all the time, but starting answering with the truth every time I'm asked. It would spread and make everyone around me know, and I wouldn't go to jail or anything because interspecies sex isn't illegal in my place (will probably be very soon though). The reason I don't do this is because most people would think I'm a rapist. People see no difference between a zoophilic and a pedophile. It doesn't matter how hard you try to explain how consent can exist between different species, they will never believe it unless they are extremelly open minded, and I imagine it would ruin my life for good. People would fear I want to rape their pets or some ridiculous shit like that. I also think I screwed up by swearing to my cousin many times about me being asexual, because he would probably be offended if I tell him the truth now. He surelly won't be very mad at me because of my lie, he's actually a nice person, but of one thing I'm almost sure... he would never understand it. He will probably think the only way to make it possible is through rape and I really doubt he will change his mind. I imagine he would react like "It's okay, I can't judge you, as long as it remains a fantasy". I've heard people say this a lot about things that aren't even as rare as zoophilia, like homosexuality, so it really scares the shit out of me considering telling someone about this.
I've read some posts of people talking about this with their relatives and they being ok with it, but I really can't imagine that happening here. Maybe it has something to do with the life style? Myself and everyone I know lives in a big city so there's really no much contact with animals in our daily lives, I don't know if that increases the odds of them freaking out even more or not. There's NO way I'm telling this to my parents because they are somewhat conservative and they never keep secrets at all, my mother would tell literally everyone, so that's a no.
So I ask:
Why bother telling them? Even if they don't judge me, they would surely avoid talking about the topic because they are ver reserved people, so I imagine it would probably be an only one time talk and never again. I'm really confused. The best thing for me would be knowing someone IRL that is also like me, I think it would help me a lot in so many levels. I really need to talk about this, about my sexuality, with the people I trust, but it's just so scary. Am I being too paranoid? Things won't be as bad as I actually believe they would be?
Do you have any suggestions? I'm sorry for the gigantic wall of text and thank you a lot if you read all of it. It really means a lot to me.
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There's usually not much compelling reasons to do so, you take all the risk for so little tangible benefit. Some of my family know, I came out before the internet existed, but it's had very little to no benefit to me. It didn't even stop all of the questions...
That's largely my experience with it, most are made uncomfortable with the answer to their question, so it's either conveniently forgotten or never comes up again, so what's the utility in speaking up?
Take it slow and make friends first.
There's a bit of reason in there, while many of us are good people who just happen to have different sexual interests from the norm, some are not nice people at all. Every group has assholes, we're no exception. Take your time to get to know people and when you find ones you're comfortable with, then consider reaching out, but think long and hard as it does entail some social risks if not necessarily legal risks.
It's hard to tell, I don't know what you're thinking/expecting. I've met quite a few folks, some have become very close friends, some are people I would never reach out to again, and a whole lot of folks in between. Of the ones I've met, more have been good people who I'm glad to have met than otherwise, but one hardcore asshat can go a long ways to making things uncomfortable.
That said, you can gain a lot of perspective and support from the online groups, though honestly I don't think this sub is one of them. You can have some very deep, thoughtful discussions through chat/PM/etc and I think the good ones are just as insightful as a face-to-face.
Relax, breath deeply, and consider your risks when contemplating this stuff. Largely if you don't share partners or make incriminating evidence, there's little legal risk, but there is significant social risk. Consider as many of the possible outcomes and how to mitigate them beforehand and you'll be at an advantage.
Groups vary wildly, so try out all the resources you can find (forums, here, other methods, etc) and look for where there's serious discussion either going on or as responses to your questions. I don't mean just support for the idea, but serious thought, if nothing challenges any of your ideas it might not be the best place for you.
Thank you for your response man
Do you know any other site like this where I can ask this kind of questions and more?
There are probably more than those I am aware of, but....
zoophilia.pictures
Zoo Writer's guild
and Beast Forum
That last I am not personally familiar with and I've heard many mixed comments about the place, but the only way to really know is to check it out yourself.
Of the other two, I think zoowg has more momentum at the moment, but these things can change. I hope you the very best in your pursuit of answers.
thank you very much, I really appreciate it
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I believe I have the required social skills to do it. I'm not socially awkward at all, it's just that this thing is very uncommon and in fact might harm my social integrity.
I know I won't get much support from telling this to people I trust, but I think it would still help me. Like you said, you met zoo people IRL because people knew you were one, and that's a good thing IMHO.
I told this to a couple of internet friends that even know my real name and where I live, because I was 101% sure they wouldn't criticize me for it (because I know them very well and already knew what they think about the matter), and it helped me a bit, but internet friends are a totally different thing than IRL friends. It just doesn't feel as fulfilling to me.
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Let me make it simple. You are adult (or close). All you need to say is "My life, my way." You don't owe anyone anything else. Be polite, especially to those that care about you, but tell them that you have to find your own way and excessive interference just confuses things.
You have many years in front of you. Take a few to be sure that you have things right.
"Why bother telling them?" Absolutely legit question in this context... From my experience, the positive effects a coming out has are vastly overestimated by large parts of the entire community. Nothing really changes in your life after coming out. It´s the same chores, the same struggle afterwards, the only desirable effect of getting a temporary emotional uplift will wear out quick.
That and maybe a little boost in self confidence for a while (until you are confronted with society´s general negative attitude towards zoophillia again), that´s what´s on the plus side of coming out, but what most zoos fail to have on their radar is how shocking and traumatising can be for the recipient of your confessions. For us in here, it´s not shocking to learn about human-animal sexual relationships, it´s literally everyday business; but for them, it´s absolutely not. Many outsiders confronted with zoophilia for the first time won´t admit it, but I know that such a confession, dealt to them without proper preparation, is a mind altering, traumatising, world changing event. One of my friends excellently put it by saying "Since I know your special orientation now, I cannot look at horses the same way I did before you told me". We´re actually somehow "invading" their minds with our coming outs. Somehow, we´re forcing our own world upon them with our confessions...just imagine your friend telling you some obscure sexual attraction you hardly can wrap your head around....
We zoos are putting so much emphasis on how an open and honest talk about our orientation would benefit us...but, folks, aren´t we missing out on something here? Has anyone ever wondered what our confessions can do the them, the outsiders? Is it justified to make your life easier by doing the "real talk" when you simultaneously make their life harder with putting the burden of knowing on them? I´ll even leave out all the perils that are connected with coming out for now and just focus on this ethical question. What does our confession of being a zoophile do to them? Have you ever thought about that? For the outsiders, being attracted to animals is surreal, far out, incomprehensible, a burden to know. By telling them, you kinda making them your accomplice and you haven´t even asked whether they are okay with bringing up a topic that may be just a little too much for them to handle properly.
When taking a look back onto my "zoo career" (the 30th anniversary of my first time with a mare is just some months away) and my about 10 coming outs to friends and family, I´d say there was no benefit of coming out. My life basically stayed the same afterwards and I even noticed the sillyness of this entire coming out concept after I realised the uplifting effect of telling someone frankly what you´re about decreased the more people I told about my zoophilia.
For me, coming out has turned out to be entirely about your own ego, the urge to "fit in" somehow, even if you don´t fit in at all. Seeking reassurement for what you´re thinking about/doing...
But is it really so important that OTHERS know what or who you are? Or isn´t it more important that YOU know who you are? Living as a zoophile is much easier with a healthy load of independence...
I honestly wouldn´t come out to anyone I came out to again if given the chance to push my life´s reset button, going back to when I was in my teens. After nearly 30 years in this, all my coming outs besides those I had with my family were basically pointless and just pampering my own ego. My life would not have developed any different, my self confidence wasn´t affected by coming out to friends in a large, measurable scale; the choices I made wouldn´t have been different ones without the coming outs. So, what´s the point in this? Even without this point of view I now have as an experienced zoo, I only told my friends the truth when it was practically inavoidable to do so. I endured rumours about me being gay, being a fetishist of riding pants (yup, someone said that because he rarely got to see me without the "tools of my trade", my "working uniform") and all other wild guesses "normal" people usually come up with when you remain silent about your sexuality most of the time and pose a genuine riddle for them. And guess what, I survived it. I just smiled and kept quiet. You know, there´s always the option of keeping your mouth shut, no need to bluntly tell the truth, no need to lie (" I´m an asexual!!!" clandestinely tries to close the bulk of animal porn windows on the computer unnnoticed ) . What else is there to mention? Coming out is a delicate situation and shouldn´t be used as a means of "finding yourself". Come out to others when you have fully accepted yourself, when you have gained enough emotional stability and enough distance from your own, biased views. Don´t ever think that coming out to anybody will improve your life fundamentally.
If you really feel the need to talk about your orientation, your kinks, your turn ons, then do it where it belongs to, forums as this. That´s why these forums are there (well, besides spreading animal porn flicks, of course ;) ). But just a good advice from me: presominantly focus on yourself, not others. It is more vital for any zoo to get to terms with what he/she is than going fishing for reassurement from the outside. Learn the difference between the inside and the outside world and try to figure out what really has importance in your life. Try to keep the control of your life instead of handing out potentially incriminating information about you to people you might mistakenly call friends... Try to stay realistic with your expectations and use your precious energy to make your dreams real instead of just telling your dreams to others. Try to actually walk the path instead of just standing there, complaining about how hard the path is and how "suppressed" you feel. If you´re really a zoo, accept what you are and make plans on how you can achieve what you yearn so much, that´s more beneficial than a thousand coming outs going in your favour. And if you still need someone to talk to, I guess there´s literally no one in here is denying you a honest conversation. In the end, all that matters is between you and your animal companion, not society , friends or family. Always keep that in mind, even though the drama queen routines are tempting to quite a huge chunk of "zoophiles", it´s not important that others know...it´s important that YOU know what you are.
Many words of wisdom right there. I agree with you. Wish reality was different but that's a dumb wish, you speak reality words and they are perfectly reasonable. I will follow your advice at the moment. It really sounds like the best idea. I honestly havent thought about how I might affect others by comming out. Thank you for pointing that out.
I can't really share much that you haven't figured out for yourself: Do not tell "typical" people because the risk is high and the reward is somewhat minimal... do meet other like-minded people, at least online, because it will help to have someone to talk to and relate to on a deeper level.
Some of the best people I've ever met have been through sites such as this, though you do need to be very careful even there, as 99.99% of them leave you feeling a need to bleach your eyeballs. But for the 0.01%, I've built decades-long relationships with many of them who are philosophically similar to me.
Because doing that is bad? What if it is for companionship + sex? What if it is cor companionship + labor (make the mare work) + sex? When would it be Ok for you to get an animal? Aren't you thinking this too much? If you have the means to be a responsible owner. Why not get the animal? If sex doesn't work with that animal, you still get a friend who will give you unconditional love.
Not from me. You do what makes you happy. You don't have to excuse your actions to nobody but yourself. Don't worry about what other people may think, if you are not harming nobody, it is irrelevant what they think.
IMO: Not really. And you can still lie and claim to be asexual while having sex with animals.
Tell him to google: ASEXUAL. Your friend is uneducated.
Then don't lie. They can't arrest your for telling that you like mares. Though, they can defiantly make your life miserable by discriminating you. And you sound like the type of person who can't handle being bullied. So, maybe is better for you to keep lying.
You are not alone. And you could also try talking with random people on anonymous chats.
"Venting to strangers anonymously can really help provide a sense of relief." ▬ 7cups.com/anonymous-chat/
Do a pact, you tell him if he tells you something very secret from him to you. If he tels other, you also have stuff to tell other about him.
People (bigots specifically) will think you are a rapist even if you are a virgin. That is the sad reality. You can't do anything to make them think otherwise.
Probably because both of them are paraphilias and sexual orientations. Same reason people don't see a diff between homophilia (homosexuality) and zoophilia (zoosexuality)
Intelligent and open minded people will understand, idiots and bigots and sheep (those who follow the majority) will not.
"and I imagine it would ruin my life for good."←Yes a no. If you intend to work with animals, it will be very hard for you to find a job with people knowing you are a zoosexual. If you intend on working on something else, it will have much less of an impact or no impact at all.
People will just make fun of you like they do with the rest of humans. So, depending on what you intend to do for work, you life may be ruined or not.
People fear that when they leave strangers near children. So, don't worry, is just normal to be protective of pets and children.
When you said you where asexual it where the truth. At least in the beginning.
Then don't tell him. Or who cares? Just know that there are risk if you come out. Also, a person sexuality is private, you are not forced to come out.
Peace of mind. Some people don't like to keep secrets or lie.
Proud. Nothing to be shamed of your sexual orientation.
Make a point. That zoosexuals should not hide. Not fair that heterosexuals and now even homosexuals can boast about their orientation. If more zoosexuals come out, then people will be less shocked about it. At this point, people coming out as gay is causing this reaction on society: SO WHAT? ANOTHER ONE? ←Zoosex can get the same reaction if enough of them come out (specially if celebrities do it)
Don't come out if you can't deal with the potential consequences or if you intend to work with animals in the future.