[NS] please. I'm gonna get it out of the way right now, if you're just going to comment about how I'm "not a zoophile" or turn it into some debate about non-exclusives, please just don't comment. I don't want or need that here. Make your own post or go to one of the many comment threads about it.
The basics for anyone who doesn't already know: I'm non-exclusive, and have been in love with my animal partner for five-ish years. I'm also polyamorous, which means I can be in love with multiple beings (human or animal, but it's only happened with humans so far) at the same time. I've been in a human relationship before while also being with my animal partner. My girlfriend was also non-exlusive zoo so she knew about my partner and understood. Having a human girlfriend did not affect my love for or dedication to my animal parter at all.
I have always thought that if I'm "in a relationship" with an animal partner, as in in love and devoted to them long-term, then it wouldn't be fair to have a human girlfriend who didn't know. Not fair to the human, I mean. If I was in a relationship with someone and they were also in love with another human or an animal, I'd be very hurt if they didn't tell me. I'm not saying everyone should think that way, but that's how I've always thought about it pertaining to myself and my own relationships. Therein lies the current problem.
I've had romantic feelings for a human for over a year now, so it's not a short term thing like crushes I've had sometimes. I know the feeling is mutual since she's told me. But I haven't told her. I also haven't told her about being zoo, for obvious reasons. I don't think she'd report me to authorities or anything but I'm afraid of losing her friendship if she doesn't accept it. We've been best friends for three years and she's my only really close friend right now, so I don't think I could handle that. But if I don't tell her about my partner than I don't think it would be fair to be in a relationship with her. I don't want to have to keep it secret, both to be fair to her and because my love for my partner isn't going to change. And in thinking long-term, in the future I'll likely have an animal partner I'll be in a sexual relationship with. If I was having in love and having sex with an animal and not telling my girlfriend, I'd consider that the same as cheating. So it's not something I want to do.
But I really REALLY like this girl and I just?? Ugh. It's a shitty place to be in because I'm stuck. We'd both like to try out a relationship but I can't do it because I'm so afraid to tell her I'm zoo, because there's so much to lose. I'm not asking for advice or anything I guess I just needed somewhere to vent and this isn't the kind of thing I can talk about. I dunno if anyone else here has been in a similar situation but it sucks. It's really affecting my mood and making my depression worse, and I get really bad anxiety thinking about it as well. It's just a shit situation all around and it's really wearing me down after a year.
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A difficult situation to be in... no right answer, really. You have my sympathy.
Ditto. No answers from me, but much sympathy. I hope it works out for you.
That's a real tough spot. I never really understood being polyamorous, at least not for me or for anyone I could see myself in a relationship with. Well, at least not with two humans, but I could be and could see myself with someone who had a long term relationship with a human and an animal. That isn't really the thrust of the post though, it's really just a sidenote. As for your friend, I've heard a lot of stories of people who came out to someone about their zoophilia, and it didn't end well. I have a very deep friendship (nonsexual) with a friend I would love to tell about my zoophilia, but I just don't think it would go over well. Just like your female friend, I don't think he'd turn me in, or even tell another soul besides quite possibly his partner. But it could easily spell death for our deep friendship, something I wouldn't be able to bare. We've been through so much in both our lives that I can't imagine life without his friendship, and I'd like to think he would feel the same way. But animal love has this way of eroding strong foundations. I wish I could say go ahead, tell her. But I understand 100% where you are coming from, and honestly? I wouldn't. That's the decision I made relative to my own situation though. I might also point out that I suffer from a depression that isn't linked to zoophilia, though I'm sure that does nothing to help. So if the resolution you need to ease the depression is to tell her, that adds a whole other dynamic to consider. Best of luck to you which ever path you choose.
That's honestly what's holding me back so much. I really don't want to risk losing her friendship, she's the best friend I have and has been around with me through some really tough times. I have general unrelated depression (that I'm trying to treat with medicine but so far not much luck) and anxiety, so this isn't causing it directly, but it's making both worse for sure. It's just so frustrating since I desperately want to give a relationship a try, and I can see it working well, but I also don't want to have to keep secrets. That's not the foundation of a healthy relationship. But when the potential cost of outing myself is so high... I don't know.
Feel very similarly. Couldn't agree more. I really really wish I could be more optimistic. Only you know if it is worth the risk.
That's tough. I thought about that a lot over the past few years since I am poly and not exclusive either. But for me, I can't seem to find a human partner who I like enough to do the long-term thing with, romantically or platonically. People just don't stick around in my life for very long either way. It isn't worth the risk of me telling those people I figured, because once they leave or find something they don't like about you, it's easier for them to go running their mouth. Someone who has taken a long time to get to know you as a person, and has stuck around in your life, that's the sort of people I tell about being zoo, because not only have they put in a ton of effort into the relationship and are less likely to run away after I tell them, I have had the time to observe their reactions to things to know how they might react before I tell them. And because I am demisexual/demiromantic, I don't want to jump into any relationship that I don't know will be a sure thing, so it's worth waiting 5+ years into a close social relationship of any kind to tell them.
She also has an intact dog and if I told her, I wouldn't want her to misunderstand and not want me to be around her dog anymore or something :/
Initially I wasn't going to comment, just upvoted some other comments which said effectively what I felt, until I read this.
You're the best equiped to gauge her reaction and have a fair chance to predict how she'd take the news. That said, I would be a bit slower on the reveal myself due to this. In my youth I tried to make human relationships work and like you, I felt it was unfair to keep it a secret and just cheat on them. I found there was often some jealousy involved and it usually came up when there were arguments/disagreements. Depending on her relationship with her dog, this could get very awkward. One mistake I made was allowing my human partner to be present; she asked and I foolishly didn't see the harm; that incident added greatly to the jealousy.
Best of luck finding a solution to your conundrum, whatever you decide to do, make sure you've got a good plan in case it fails horribly. Hope for the best, but plan for the worst.
There is a chance of that happening. My old roommate found out I was zoo, and even though I never touched his dog or even expressed interest in his dog, he took the dog with him to work from that point on. WHich is sort of funny, because he's a registered sex offender for molesting a 13 yo. boy (which he neglected to tell me before I moved in and I only found out by looking up the info online) and he treated that dog like crap.
I'm sorry that you are in this tough situation :/ I'm similar to you in the sense that I'm non exclusive and poly with everyone. A large part of my poly identity actually comes from being zoo. In my experience, I have brought up the topic of zoophilia casually, to test the waters, now this is easy for me because I wrote a lot of papers about it in school, so there is an easy segue. After seeing how they react, I either change the conversation to something else, or engage them further with my views about zoophilia, or bring it up again on another day. It's definitely a deal breaker for me to be with anybody who doesn't know/isn't supportive of me being zoo, and because I date a lot of humans, I'm forced to strategize these conversations a lot. I have definitely scared people away, and while I was hurt, that's okay, because I don't have the capacity for those kind of people in my life. I've also been able to educate people who felt neutrally about the subject, which is rewarding and has strengthened friendships. I'm not a person who is quiet about my identity, although I do shut up about the actual goings on in my life between me and my partners, whether human or animal. Part of healthy poly relationships is communication and honesty, so if you don't feel like you can bring up the conversation with this person, I wouldn't risk being in a relationship, because that pain you feel now can be a breeding ground for other issues to arise. I would recommend the next steps be testing the waters with a friendly conversation, maybe bring up the concept of speciesism, or critical animal studies, favorite animals, or opinions on intimacy with "pets" (like, oh, do you share your bed with your dog?). All of these could be jumping points to ask leading questions, to fit what you feel you need to know. Ahh sorry this is long and redundant and probably confusing, but please DM me if you want to brainstorm more ideas! And you are under no pressure to listen to me or take my advice, I'm just sharing what has worked for me in the past. Best of luck to you on this, I believe in you and will send good energy your way! :3
What's her opinion on zoophilia?
There's no need to come out before you know that information, and it's not too hard to get that information. Just pull up some story that has zoophilia leanings - like the Whooping Crane story, or the thing with the woman researcher and the dolphin (and LSD).
Those are interesting enough stories that you're not outing yourself by talking about them, and you can use them to gauge her reaction before deciding whether you want to come out or not.
Ugh in theory that's what I'd like to do, bring up the subject in another conversation. But I'm not sure how to do it without seeming suspicious, you know?
I've told two non-zoo people before that I'm zoo, and I started out by just saying I have romantic feelings for animals. Which is true. So I leave it at that at first and see what they say. One of the two basically said "you do you, as long as you're not fucking any dogs you know?" so I knew to stop it there. So she knows half of the truth but not all of it. But it still seems risky just to say that, like it could still screw up our friendship if she thinks it's too "out there" or makes the romantic + sexual conclusion herself.
I really don't know how you interact with your friends on a regular basis, or the depth of your existing relationship with this girl so any advice I give might not be helpful. Still, I can try giving you a few suggestions.
1) "I have a friend". You could start a conversation by talking about a friend of yours who came out to you recently, and you're not sure what to think. Ask for advice, and see what advice she gives. This one's a bit cliche, but it still can work.
2) Bring up a related news story / interesting event, see what sort of reactions she's got. Like I mentioned in my earlier post.
3) Bring up all the subjects! I have a tendency to talk about all sorts of subjects with friends and family. They never suspected I was a zoophile because while I talked with them about bestiality/zoophilia, I also talked to them about homosexuality, incest, polygamy, trans* issues, necrophilia, pedophilia, and plenty others besides. Issues I support, issues I have reservations about, issues I don't support... When I came out to my cousin, she was surprised I was a zoophile despite having talked with her about the subject on multiple occasions, because I talked about so many other subjects as well.
4) Refuge in audacity. Just bring up zoophilia. Ask her what her opinion is. Most anti-zoos don't WANT to be suspicious, so if she reacts clearly negatively, just deny that you have any interest in it personally, and she'll most likely be inclined to believe you. If you've tied the issue to yourself personally before, this won't work (so don't use it against the friend you talked to about your romantic feelings), but otherwise it probably will work. Though it's my least preferred of the options...
Do any of these seem like reasonable options?
Long time ago when I was still struggling with all of it, I came out of the closet to my two good friends in a group chat. We have had this group chat going for like 6 years now and we talk about all sorts of things in there. I was ready for all outcomes, including maybe saying goodbye to them if it comes that far. I told them I just wanted to get something of my chest. I'm not the sort of person that dances around the subject so I straight up told them I did not want to pretend to be someone I'm not and that I am attracted to dogs, even sexually attracted. I don't feel anything for people.
It was awkward, but mostly for me. They were very understanding of it all. But not only that, they each decided to own up some of their own personal secrets that they previously never dared to share... It was so... It was comforting. It made everything so much less awkward. I was prepared to part ways but instead that was the day our friendship strengthened by a lot and I feel like we all understand each other much better now.
It's always a risk to come out to someone. But personally I feel it's so much better when I don't feel I have to hide anything.
Hopefully not to sidetrack too far, this is a perfect example of what I mean when I say that non-exclusives often have the same or even worse problems to deal with. It is not "easier because they can just choose human partners to appear normal with."
Exactly. My problem personally is to be fully happy I really need both a human and an animal relationship, so my only options really are 1) out myself and risk everything and my animals, or 2) just stick to animal relationships only and never have the fulfilling human relationship I need to be happy. Fuckin sucks and I still haven't really come to terms with the fact I'm probably going to have to be without a human relationship for the rest of my life. I love my animal partner but it's a very lonely, depressing feeling.
It reminds me of when gay people say bi people have it easy since they "can just pick an opposite sex partner." You can't pick who you fall in love with or what gender they are, and it's not fair to imply we should just stay closeted. Same goes for species imo.